Saturday, 25 December 2010

Behold my naive optimism!

During the Edinburgh festival this year, I was interviewed by Lovephool TV. We had a chat about my life philosophy in one of the dimly lit bars of Espionage after my show.

My observation and belief is that life is nothing more than a vehicle for inspiration. All of us are a conduit for the best of virtue or worst of vice, dispensing these qualities throughout our lives and into the experiences of others which creates our world. Comedy is a great vehicle to explore these ideas and to communicate them in a lighthearted yet meaningful way, and I hope that my efforts will in some way bear a positive effect.

You can probably tell how knackered I am in this video, I racked up 101 gigs in 25 days and I was fasting. I am surprised I didn't evaporate!

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Feeling UP

Recently I watched a lot of upsetting news in the forms of the extremist, ignorant and hateful factions of society. It's been quite nasty and depressing to digest. The more I watch the news and interact with the internet, nothing more than the ugly side of mankind has reached out to punch me in the face.

I watched the documentary BNP Wives, a look at the women in the BNP who campaign for the BNP, some really old and past their menopause, with no hope of finding any real joy in their lives, focussing on giving their remaining time on planet Earth perpetuating hate. I saw more and more about the EDL and even received a hate tweet from this lovely chap -  EnglishPatriot2

I chose to retweet this, I refuse to let such fascism be ignored. This gentlemen is either going to live a painful life of being an uneducated, inexperienced and delusional bigot, or he might grow up and take advantage of the enormous capacity for intelligence every human brain usually comes equipped with.

Also, what doesn't help are the minority of fundamentalist religious zealots whose words and actions manage to represent the entirety of the Muslim community in Britain, which the fear mongering arms of the media love to evangelise into public enemy number one. With all of this going on, I've felt a little overwhelmed by the abundance of ignorance and hate that is pouring into our society, if often feels like there is no hope for any kind of peace or joy. Let's face it, most of us do NOT want to live in the fascist utopia of any these nutjobs, be it in the fundamentalist and ritualistic dictatorship of the religious nutters or the feral Jeremy Kyle Show candidates of the EDL. However, it seems that the voices for the rest of us are washed away in the tides of hate. Unfortunately, a sad fact of life is that one act of hate has more of an instant impact than the opulence of love. It takes years for life to thrive and grow, but it takes just one single storm to destroy it all.

Overwhelmed by this all, I began to despair for the future as the numbers of the uneducated, ignorant, hateful and greedy outstrip the few who can communicate and co-operate. In reality, neither the religious zealots or the fascist right-wing are actually going to win, neither side will get their way, but the fact that they both exist and that the rest of us have to be caught in the middle, is the reality we have to live with.

Fortunately, never too far away is the abundance of art in which humans have communicated the beauty of our aspirations and potential to experience the joys of what is possible. Tonight, I watched the Disney Pixar film; UP.

Without giving too much away in case you haven't seen it, UP is a fantastic story of having a dream, having ambition and experiencing the journey of life with someone you care about. Although, we may not all have an abundance of material wealth or all the breaks and opportunities that we desire, but if you can share your life with someone you love, then even the simplest of everyday experiences becomes a joy to have. To quote my favourite personal development coach; Anthony Robbins - "The purpose of human relationships is to magnify the human experience".

Fortunately for us, even when we are bombarded by all that is wrong, a rich source for all that is right is recorded in our films, books and stories (and video games, check out Shenmue!) that illustrate the virtues of all that makes life such a precious and joyous experience. It's easy to take these forms of entertainment lightly, but the truth is that this is how human beings record and communicate the very best of our hopes, abilities and aspirations, and they remain the library of our accomplishments as a reminder and influence of the enormous capacity our minds have to create a much better world. So, in conclusion, what I am trying to say is that if you ever feel down about the state of the world and need a pick up, reach into the abundant library of good human virtues and sink your teeth into some of this wonderful soul food.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Hopeful romantic or just an idiot?

Today I braved the adverse weather conditions to make it to my gig, the snow in London is pretty impressive and it only compounded the closures/strikes to make travel a hassle for anyone trying to get around the city.

I put on my thermals and as many layers as I could put on before I left, with my headphones in, I sailed through my journey to the Comedy Tree in Putney. When I got to Putney Green station I observed a young attractive lady approaching the stairwell with her suitcase and preparing herself to carry it down. As I approached the steps I saw her lift the suitcase with some difficulty before taking slow, cautious steps downwards towards the exit. I asked her if she would like a hand, to which she hospitably reacted. I took the suitcase and lifted it with a false demonstration of strength as my skinny arms were challenged by the weight of her luggage, it was heavy! Not wanting to look like a weakling, I tensed my biceps and successfully continued with the short journey towards the exit. We walked together, step by step in silence, neither of us making eye contact as we carefully navigated the wet steps on this cold, snowy evening. When we got to the bottom, she gave her thanks, I told her she was welcome, then she left with the only remaining challenge to make it through the barriers with her cumbersome luggage.

Call me a romantic, or just an idiot, but part of my naively hoped that this was a special chance encounter. You know, like in the movies when the woman struggles with something and the chivalrous guy comes to her rescue, then he asks her out, she says 'yes' and then the film kicks off and in the end they fall in love. But it seems, that real life is not like this for the most part, probably thanks to the climate of fear and distrust of strangers.

There are plenty of chivalrous men, but sometimes it can be scary to be chivalrous in case it backfires. I have heard of plenty of stories where men have offered to help with heavy bags, only to be shouted at by ultra-feminist nutjobs who interpret any communication from a man to be nothing more than an insulting and exploitative invitation. I hesitated only momentarily because of this, but because she was young, I took a gamble and my hospitality was appreciated. As we descended down those steps, I could have easily started a conversation with her, but thought against it in the fear that she may interpret my offer of help as nothing more than an opportunity to chat her up, so I stayed quiet. As we parted ways with pleasantries, there was no eye contact, just simple words and we were on our way.

Maybe those romantic movies put silly ideas in our heads that chance encounters in the real world lead to such amazing relationship adventures? Although, I do know that one of my friends, a few years ago, was once depressed, so he went out for a walk in central London, a girl randomly asked him for directions. They're married now.

Anyone have any cool romantic stories? Leave your comments below or tweet me :-)

Saturday, 27 November 2010

A little time for reflection

It was my birthday yesterday, I did have plans for a big birthday bash although that is totally against my nature, but comedy commitments meant that I needed to be in the studio writing and overlooking my projects. Instead I had a nice meal with the close friends I grew up with, and we ate at an Italian restaurant run almost exclusively by Indians... multi-cultural enterprise or what?

Again, I'm not big on celebrating, I'm more of a walk of into the sunset kind of guy, so I took this opportunity to reflect on how my year had progressed since my last birthday. This time last year, I finished a small tour of gigs that ended in Edinburgh, after which I drove all the way back to London in one shot. I had more or less just gone full-time as a comic and the adventures of driving up and down the country for both my livelihood and experience was in full effect. I was now an entry level "professional comedian" and I also had my very own car that I had purchased with my very own hard earned cash. There were still gigs I couldn't get because some promoters did not want to touch me at all, but I had made progress, I was now gigging with real professionals, sharing the bill with them and having to raise my own game in order to win the acceptance and respect of my newly found peer group of hardcore circuit professionals.

Look at me! I used to get told off for talking too much, nowadays I'm still talking too much!
A year on and I've somehow managed to get onto TV, be nominated for Best Newcomer in Edinburgh, book a massive UK tour, and be offered exciting new opportunities in the comedy world, some of which I shouldn't talk about yet until the right time to reveal it all. I did not expect this to happen like this, I never imagined that so much would happen so quickly. I'm a massive fan and advocate of the personal development scene, a few years ago I started to listen to Anthony Robbins, and it was one of the best investments of my time and money I have ever made. And this is what I want this blog entry to be about; personal development, going for your dreams.

"Unleash The Power Within"
I'll save most of the details for when I get to write a proper autobiography, but for now I want to highlight the importance of having a dream and that with unrelenting passion and hard work, that anything is possible. My first dream was to become a video games designer, and it didn't entirely work out as per my imagination had envisioned only because I did not have a strategy. I spent many years in the games industry, struggling to make it, although having a good time working on video games and making awesome friends. Suddenly, I found myself depressed (for many reasons) and broke, I was in trouble and there was no sign of anything changing unless I took complete control and changed it myself. I started listening to personal development material and ensuring all areas of my life has positive influences being pumped into them, from the music I was listening to, the food I ate, the books I read, and the people I associated with. These were the first step ingredients to giving me a good foundation to build my dreams upon. Whilst I totally went in head deep into this, often alienating myself from others who thought that this schmaltzy positive thinking malarky was a waste of time, it was sometimes difficult to believe in the worth of the most important part of it all, which was taking action.

I had a dream, a clear and vivid image of what I wanted from life, and so I wrote this down and started devising a strategy on how to achieve it all. Then I got out into the world and took loads of action, sometimes small steps, sometimes big jumps, and often enough I hit a wall and fell to the ground. But I got back up and re-strategised and took new action, yet again failing some more, before even a glimmer of a result would appear. And so in this, I found out a secret to life; failure is the most amazing teacher. As I continued to study the success of others in other areas of life, I realised that there was a consistent theme in their story, that they also had failed multiple times, even to the brink of total bankruptcy and even death, yet they refused to give up and then persevered into enormous victory.

It's easy to just do as we are told by others, to just go to school, get a job, earn some money, buy some stuff and generally just follow the path that is laid out for us by "the system" and by the expectations of others. However, if we take the time to step out of our own heads and observe our lives on this planet without the manufactured paradigms that are pumped into us by "the system", perhaps then we can see other meanings to our existence and the infinite opportunities that are readily available to us. My life has changed immensely these last few years, and right now all my dreams are coming true thick and fast, it's now payday. And this is why I want to share this with as many people as possible, because if I can do it, then anyone else can.

Compared to Americans, we have an apathetic and cynical attitude that is reflected in our TV shows here. Note that we don't have a Jack Bauer. Having ambition is almost scorned upon, and thus a lot of people find that their secret desires must be kept under wraps and even extinguished if they are to avoid the mockery, cynicism, and negativity from others around them. But it is exactly this, our ambition, our dreams, our passion that must be unleashed if we are to experience the true joys that life has to offer. None of it comes easy. and often enough, the negativity and even stupidity of people jeopardises the exciting possibilities that mankind has access to.

To put it into a nutshell; go for your dreams. Yes, in the pursuit of your dreams, you will fail, it will hurt, you will want to give up, but you must persevere and continue, because you totally can achieve anything you want. If you fear the failure, the humiliation, the pain, just do it anyway, because the pain of failure is never going to be as bad as the pain of wondering what could have been just because you never tried.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

My worst gig ever :-)

I've just got back from my worst gig ever, it was going well for about 15 mins, then suddenly one table took massive offence to some material and the gig descended into chaos as I tried to finish the show between a small contingent who wanted to cause me physical harm and the others who enjoyed my set for the most part.

I started off well with some new material that I am doing in the clubs as I like to make sure that the audience see me doing stuff that they've not seen on TV or the internet. If you know my material, you'll know that I talk about race, culture, religion and the general topic of these manufactured identities in my set. Suddenly, when I got to material about relationships and my personal penchant for white/English women, endearingly referring to this as "I like vanilla", one table took massive offence. As I continued, one woman started to 'boo', and suddenly all the energy was being diverted into a verbal combat between me and her table, as the audience slowly became divided between those who liked me and wanted to hear more and those who wanted me to die and let me know that they hated me with all their might.

I am angry and I hate you.
I kept my composure and continued to smile, trying to placate the upset caused by the subject matter and even trying to build bridges with the offended table, but there was nothing left to repair or salvage, so I stood my ground and gratefully played to the audience that were actually left over paying attention. Still, this was a painful endeavour as the sea of muttering and audience shouting at each other had overwhelmed the room, and so I did my time, made my statement of peace and walked off into the open arms of friend and MC; Paul Pirie.

As I walked out the room, a lady who was waiting outside with her relatives 'booed' me and told me to write 'better material'. As I am above being offended by such petty remarks, I laughed and wished her family a safe journey home. At this point a tattooed man charged over to me and called me a "Racist F*ck*ng W*nk*r". I smiled at him, repeating his words in confusion, after which he explained the premise of his offence and why he claims that I am a racist -

"Racist" material - 

* Mentioning Princess Diana
Apparently, talking about said person is a racist offence. Though, what he failed to notice was that I NEVER actually mention said person, I ONLY allude simply to the death of Dodi Al-Fayed.

* Referring to my liking of white/English women as "I like vanilla".
It seems that highlighting my relationship preferences with a playful endearment involving a flavour of ice-cream is offensive. You've got to give him points for making a mountain out of this non-existent molehill.

What became clear to me here is that our perception of what is right and wrong is quite subjective based on our own ethics, and that despite the logic or intelligence that can prove us categorically wrong, our emotional reaction and personal perception of subjects can overwhelm our intellect.

As the tattooed man stood his ground and explained why I am a massive racist into my smiling diplomatic face, other audience members interjected with "Well done, I really enjoyed that" and my favourite "Well done, you're too intelligent for Bexleyheath". As the majority of the audience passed by with similar praise, the tattooed man realised his views were actually NOT shared by everyone else other than his own table, and so he slowly receded from his aggressive stance. I then shook his hand and made my exit from the furore that will forever be embellished upon the legend of Bexleyheath as "The day that guy off McIntyre came to Bexleyheath and was sh*t". Although, some people enjoyed it, so I'm happy that the larger British public can understand and enjoy playful material about identity and the dynamics of that old chestnut; irony. Once I got home I was joyed to find this Tweet from docj0nes who was at the gig - "@imranyusuf Was @ ur bexleyheath gig 2nite. Enjoyed ur show while I could. Ruined by the minority, THEY ARE JOKES PPL! Ur quality keep it up".

Okay, now that I've got all that off my chest and await the death threats and hate campaign from those so limited by their own perspective, I want to sign off by saying the following -

I love you, and I'm going to save the world.
Dear everybody, your body is simply a vehicle for your consciousness to experience this life. The labels we use to identify ourselves (colour, culture, race, religion etc) are entirely manufactured by people and subsequently emotionally attached to our sense of identity. Because of this, human beings are easily manipulated and even encouraged to hate and kill one another. You are NOT your identity, you are simply nothing more than how you choose to behave. In any civilisation, culture or country, no one has ever taken a liking to anyone who behaves like a c*nt, so steer clear of that one, and you'll find that everyone will actually like you and that we can all actually get along. Some might think that this is naively optimistic, but it will be us who embrace the opportunity of change with the knowledge that there is a wealth of possibility for us all to embrace a greater wisdom and achieve a better quality of life, who will make the world a better place. That, and I like vanilla.... ;-p

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Stop complaining please.

In the current climate where politicians are ruining the country and everyone is crying over the lack of jobs, money, resources and the inherent problems that immigrants are bringing into the mix, we're engulfed with the tone of righteous indignation prevalent in the attitudes of radio hosts who ask people to call in and then give them seconds to share their story before cussing them off the airwaves.

Everyone is complaining and it is doing my head in, please STFU for one second and digest this story in that spoilt stomach.

Meet William Kamkwamba (right), he is from Malawi, coming from a poor village where he does not have giant plasma screen TV nor wastes his time on Facebook or Twitter trying to be witty, he spent his time studying.

However, when his parents were unable to afford his school fees, he left school at 14. Dejected to a future of starving or being an extra when news crews film poor people in the continent of Africa. Instead of marching on the politician's headquarters and smashing up the place and calling it a protest, William used his brain and started hanging out in libraries, a place where books are stored for people to read. It is in one of these libraries that William found a book called "Using Energy", which featured a windmill. William discovered that windmills harnessed the power of the wind to create energy and thus transform it into electricity.

When he wasn't reading books, William spent his time foraging in junkyards for any pieces of scrap that would serve as an ingredient in the windmill he wanted to build. Laughed at by his friends, William persevered and managed to convert random bits of junk that was lying in the dirt into the pieces he needed. William even found some plastic piping that he cut open and melted over an open fire so that he could flatten it out and shape the blades for his windmill. To cut a long story short, William managed to create a windmill out of scrap and brought electricity to his village. He then built more to irrigate gardens to grow produce. Watch his incredible story below.

This is a story of a teenager in poverty who spent his time being resourceful rather than complaining.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

I'm voting for me!

"I'm voting for Tony Robbins"
I've watched some of the US election coverage on the BBC, because for some reason, US politics is much more interesting and sexier than British politics. However, the more I learn about politics, the more I am deterred from learning any more. Given the chance, I'd vote for Mark Thomas or David Icke, but definitely not Dizzee Rascal.

The nature of voting and political control is not as straight forward as it is on the X Factor, where you pretty much get what you see. With government politics, you can't actually just vote the guy you want to run the country into power, because of some weird rules akin to having to circumnavigate the Monopoly board once before being allowed to buy anything. Ultimately, only one guy will get to live in Downing Street and the other members of government call up from time to time and ask to use the toilet with the bidet.

Politicians appeal to certain groups in society over issues like jobs, immigrations, crime, public spending, gays getting married, gays adopting, gays doing pretty much anything, and conspiring to rob the middle east of oil. There are different groups, somewhat branded in different colours so that it is easy for the public to choose their favourite based on a colour scheme and logo. These politicians are essentially "promisers of change", which then they often turn on once they realise how difficult it is to execute a policy that doesn't require a Facebook group to get it going.

Some politicians appeal to the fearful and stupid, blaming all of society's problems on certain groups signified by ethnicity, religion, sexual preference or something else they fail to understand based on the fact that they are the bipedal equivalent of donkeys. Other politicians range from this extreme all the way to the other end, one way or the other there should be a group that appeals to you and the issues you feel need to be addressed, because your vote counts. It really does, so please make sure you vote because the government close schools for the day and marginalise children's education so that you can vote with state of the art photocopied pieces of paper and stubby pencils.

"We're manipulating yo monkey ass!"
Currently, the President of the USA is a man called Barack Obama, he is of mixed ethnicity and has an Arabic or "Muslim name", both of these characteristics were considered as fatal flaws in his bid to become the President. However, he managed to win as the only other choice was to go with a man on his death bed and an ignorant MILF whose international relations experience consisted of experiencing a déjà vu and considering it to be the equivalent of being in France. Because human beings are largely controlled by fear and greed, and also currently limited by the need to feel significant through a sense of identity based on skin colour, religion, ideology or culture, human beings are often manipulated by these factors into voting based on those premises rather than by the actual issues that need to be addressed. Due to this, the planet Earth is going to be stuck in a dark age for a long time, where enlightenment, peace and free ice-cream will fail to surface until we're attacked by an outside force like aliens.

As human beings incarnate in the same type of body vehicle on planet Earth, it might not be a stretch to imagine that our collective concerns, needs and desires are somewhat similar enough for all of us to find enough common ground that we could join forces and manage the planet in a beneficial way and contribute towards creating an amazing quality of life for everyone. However, such thinking is regarded as wishful in this polarised world of hatred, fear and cynicism. But maybe one day in the future, the seed of hope might just flourish and people will stand only on the right hand side of an escalator.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

You are the WINNAR!!!111one

Sound familiar? If this is you, then you have no life and you know it.
What I love about the Internet, is that it gives everybody the complete freedom to express themselves however they see fit within the confines of the written word to absolutely everyone on the planet.

Ideas and conflicts can be expressed with complete disregard for any social etiquette like politeness, tact and diplomacy, because, hey, who wants to monitor their own thoughts and behaviour when you can act like an animal for free from behind the blanket of anonymity and the safety of a bedroom?

Basically, the Internet has provided everyone with the potential to illustrate just how much of a bellend they are. Fundamentalist zealots, hate groups and narcissistic misanthropes alike can communicate with us and inflict their emotional retardation with us all at a click of a button.

Don't like something on YouTube? Leave a comment expressing your critique, involve yourself with the other comments and start fights with those whose opinions dare to contradict your own sophisticated knowledge of what is good and bad. It's important that you do this, because the world must know of your opinion and dislike. It is reported that the Chilean miners await your opinion to their plight, starving children in famine-stricken countries want to know what you have to say, the entire globe is interested in the vitriol boiling away in the vacant space your soul would sit in if you were not seeded by Satan and manufactured in the womb of despondent nightmares.

Want to start a campaign against something because you are an insane bigot with no regard for human life other than consuming the E numbered waste food and poison and watching exploitative daytime chat shows that feature the epitome of human failure? Start your own blog/website/Facebook group and bring like-minded losers like yourself together for the mutual exchange of hate and illiteracy, where you can blame everything on someone else and feel good about yourself for joining the symposium of sycophantic psychos who will most probably be statutorily culled when overpopulation reaches a critical mass and only the intelligent and polite are permitted to survive for the good of human civilisation.

Disclaimer: No correspondence will be entered into, so don't expect a reply to your illiterate rebuttal.

As for the rest of us, the Internet is a bridge of communication for us to embrace the beauty of our diversity, to share in it's wealth and contribute to a greater understanding of our relationships as people and forge a new dimension for peace and understanding. Oh, and to share pictures like these because they are so cute - 

IT department's monitoring measures exposed.

Here is a photo of me when I used to work for a major video games publisher. All staff were under constant surveillance, we often felt that all of our activity was being monitored at all times. Some people thought I was paranoid, and of course the HR department denied all rumours of snooping on employees, but then I found this Tracker on my PC.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Thank you Britain

After my mental Edinburgh and Roadshow appearance, I am humbled by the enormously positive feedback and love I have received from the wider British public. I have dreamt of making comedy that could build bridges, comedy that everyone in our increasingly polarised country can embrace, and although not everyone will be pleased, the new legion of fans from every community has warmed my heart and replenished my hopes to really do something different with the magic that is comedy.

We all laugh in the same language, comedy is the vehicle with which we can explore our commonalities and expose the divisive fear, greed, and affiliation tactics that are employed to polarise us for sinister gains. I know this sounds like hippy-talk of a modern day Gandhi, but it's my vision and my way my of life, so whatever good it reaps is not my own to keep, but simply a contribution towards the hope that comedy can be the opportunity for something positive.

All of this is a far cry from the school failure I was. Always told off for talking too much or not paying attention, I never did my homework because I was too busy playing Street Fighter II on my Super Nintendo.

If you're not familiar with the Super Nintendo, well, you missed out on the golden era of video games. Before games were ridiculous in their scope and detail, games were simply fun and had actual game play, where skill and intuition were what drove gamers to shell out up to £60 or even more for royalty-inducing cartridges that contained a video game that would now fit on a cheap USB stick several times over.

Before the games industry had any links to the education institutes, I had already decided that I wanted to become a games designer. Careers advisers just looked at me blankly when I told them this and would recommend that I get into "Graphic Design", as this is what their manual told them to do with difficult creative visionaries like me. Armed with bum fluff and an NRA (National Record of Achievement) folder I entered the real world of being 16 and over expecting the swimming certificates I had to make an impression in the interviews I would be in as I tried to find my place in the adult world. That NRA folder was an utter waste of time, we spent ages on it in class, took it to an interview, only for the employer to lean on it with their elbow whilst asking you questions in regards to your aspirations in the stock movement capacity of a department store for minimum wage. Once regaling them with my dreams of something other than cheap manual labour, it was often easy to get a job to fund my higher education as long as I could speak English and put things into boxes.

I still have my NRA folder today, I will keep it was a reminder and lesson for my unborn children that despite how polished your certificates and personal statements are, if you're a unmotivated cack-handed bellend with no grasp of language, then you're really digging your own grave.

Winston Churchill, dyslexic yet Prime Minister of Britain. Richard Branson, dyslexic yet billionaire industrialist. Yoda, dyslexic yet Jedi Master.

"Oh, so you smarty art now? Well, lemme aks you this, lemme aks you this... can you kick... my ass?"

*Yes, this is parody of an existing Chris Rock joke.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Okay, here we go, after years of gigging like a maniac, driving to gigs the length and breadth of the country whilst listening to comedy CDs and Magic FM (I'm soft at heart), my prime time TV debut happens tonight on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow on BBC1 @ 9.25pm. This is a clip of a true story of my experiences in being the only "English" kid in an American school that I attended when I was 12 years old.

I'm getting an influx of positivity coming from friends and fans alike, although my friends see it fit to take photos of their Sky Plus and send it to me, which is quite bizarre.

Friday, 24 September 2010

Ya get me?

I've wanted to be a stand-up comedian since I was a teenager, I've known that I've always wanted to perform since I can remember, I am now doing that, and these people pay me monies to do it on a stage (and at least once, in the gangway of an Indian restaurant).

The upshot of being a comic is that I am sometimes offered a casting for a TV or radio project, which sounds exciting as it is one of the areas a comic can diversify into. Obviously, I have often been offered many dodgy typecast roles based on my appearance and reputation, which I repeatedly turn down because I chose not to be a porn actor for a reason. However, often enough when a contemporary and youthful take is required for a role of the British brown variety, this much is communicated to me by the deft diplomacy of a casting team who joyously respond to any urban embellishments I can add to a reading, ya get me? If the last paragraph has left you bewildered, then it's quite obvious that you will be unable to comprehend the scope of my mockery and thus the inherent insult of this insinuation.

I failed all of my GCSEs, and after I got my results I went and sat in a tree with my friends because that's where I was expecting to live when my family found out. During this time I realised that talking like an "eediat" was the guaranteed path to nowhere or a career as a mobile phones salesperson. It happens that it was in fact hip hop that encouraged me to improve and extend my vocabulary. Listening to the likes of Eric B & Rakim encouraged me to start recreational reading of the dictionary. Suddenly, the creative freedom a better vocabulary afforded me a greater sense of communicational prowess, although I was totally alienated from my peers on the GNVQ Art & Design course I had managed to get onto in college. Whilst some of them were painting their shoes, I had filled out a job application form and got my very first job as a Stock Movement Advisor at Debenhams on a paltry pre-minimum wage of £3.26 per hour. I started that job on the same day as one of my best friends from high school, his name was Dwayne and he often broke the China in the stockroom and rampantly farted in the staff lifts.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Welcome to my official comedy blog!

I'm always this excited,
I never switch off!
Hello you lovely mofos!

Welcome to my official comedy blog, a place where I can exercise my creative writing and get a bit shouty about things that I feel are important, funny and even 'proper mental', and all without the restrictions of the limited haiku-esque character restrictions of Twitter. Expect to see all kinds of insane nonsense, random photos of kittens in awe-inducing cuteness, some nerdy geek stuff to express my Japanophile-ness, topical stories to do with the crazy people who are in charge of running the planet, and perhaps some pics of some sexy chicks, because I like sexy chicks... and Nutella.

I've already stayed up way too late in order to start this blog, and instead of going to get something to feed my malnutritioned ass, I am up on the internet when I could be playing HALO Reach with my friends or even cooking myself some food. Having recently learnt to cook whilst in Edinburgh, thanks to my friend Rachel Anderson and her consummate culinary craftsmanship, I can whip up a mean vegetable pasta. Once I know how to make my own Nando's, I'll be set for life.

Right, it's super late, time for some food and then sleeps, tomorrow is another day full of meetings, writing and then performing, before slaying some Metroids or Covenant bad guys.

Nighty night, don't let the bed bugs crawl into your mouth and eat your innards whilst you sleep.