Saturday, 12 March 2011


Right now, I am royally fucked off on a scale of epic proportions.

It has been brought to my attention that many a Facebook status update and Twitter feeds are replete with individuals who believe it is acceptable to say the earthquake in Japan is a deserved calamity and a payback for Pearl Harbour.

You might be entitled to your opinion and all that, but please find yourself to exercise the freedoms you enjoy to kindly go and fuck yourself.

The advent of the internet has allowed human beings to communicate in a way unprecedented in recorded human history. And even though big brother might be watching you and intruding on your privacy, the internet has also been the Achille's heel of the all seeing eyes when Wikileaks handed their arses to them with leaked footage of all kinds of inhumanity and deceit practised by those whom the power of money, politics or weapons has corrupted. However, it seems that even the greatest of communication tools can be used by the everyday bellend to say hurtful and inhumane things at a time when countless innocent civilians have died in a natural disaster.

I saw this from someone on Twitter -

It is disgusting that anyone would think that such a disaster and loss of human life is an event to rejoice over in the memory of Pearl Harbour. I could go into detail over the folly of such a stance by mentioning the two atomic bombs that were dropped on Japan, but I won't, and instead I shall say this -

If anyone in the world thinks that their nationality or religious group is innocent and noble, needs to pull their heads out of their own arsehole. No country, no kind of politics is free from the stain and shame of exploiting and murdering people in the masses to become the powers they are today, none, not one. What was once genocide, became a reservation or a ghetto. What was once slavery, became indentured labour. Every one of us who lives in the "first world" indirectly benefits from the past and continued exploitation of the "third world", and although none of us can profess to be saints, we can at least acknowledge it and show some humility for the affluent lives we live. I know many will not agree with this, but every fibre of my being is ripping this keyboard to shreds in the anger I feel for the hatred some people have shown towards what has happened in Japan.

If you really feel that this earthquake if payback for Pearl Harbour, then don't expect any sympathy if the Native American Indians ever got their hands on a nuclear weapon and found it acceptable to "never forget" what they lost many moons ago.

For the rest of us, we'll think, pray and donate towards helping the people of Japan, because if there is anything this platform of communication has given us, it is the power to readily exercise our compassion and support for other human beings.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Gabby tells me a joke

Recently, I did a gig at Leeds University for Under:Stand:Up, a collaboration by the students from the university's Jewish Society, Christian Union and Islamic Society. It was great fun, and it was awesome to see such efforts being made to bring communities together and students befriending one another through this event.

After the show, this young lady offered to tell me a joke, so I caught her moment of glory in this amazing, ground-breaking video of revolutionary hilarity unseen in all human history. Prepare yourselves...

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Immaturity FTW!

Often under the pretext of working on new projects, my time descends into immature chaos when I am with my friends. During a development session, my friends and I accidentally got sidetracked by the hilarious Farting Preacher on YouTube.

Yes, that's right, these are grown men laughing at farts, and we like it!

Sunday, 6 March 2011

What team do you support?

Football; the world's greatest sport, the sport that God intended man to play, often mispronounced as "Soccer" because some tongues roll an "S" off when trying to pronounce an "F" sound. England; home of Football. Where it was invented, developed and made into an international business. And in true English sporting fashion; shared with the rest of the world who would go on to do it better ;-p

Like most young boys in England, I too grew up fascinated by the world of professional Football. I grew up watching Football on the TV, be it live, highlights on Match of The Day or desperately seeking the latest scores in non-televised games via the primitive internet that was Teletext. I played Football at school during playtime, in the playground in which the rules were slightly bent as we never had boundaries or off-sides, and often employed the services of an extra goalkeeper which was permitted by the imaginary power of "pop in" or "scramble" goalies. Like most boys at the time, I dreamt of being a professional Football player for both my club and country. When I was 9 years old, Football was the most important thing in the world, now that I had grown up and given up on my original dream to become a Ghostbuster.
Busting made me feel good...
...but scoring goals made me feel even better.
Although I've lived in London most of my life, I grew up supporting Liverpool FC, even though to this day I have never been to Anfield. Yes, I grew up supporting a team to which I have no real affiliation other than they were really good when I was a kid, and so I was a bit of a glory hunter. But then so were ALL the kids in my school. However, I did go to watch Wealdstone FC games when I was a kid as their stadium used to be right around the corner from where I used to live.

I watched Liverpool win the league in the 1989-1990 season, I was proud and stuck by my team even though the following year Kenny Dalglish left during the FA Cup Quarter Final replay against Everton, after which Liverpool descended into chaos until Graeme Souness came to the rescue and led the mighty Reds to FA Cup victory against Sunderland in the summer of 1992. I was also the first kid in my school to own the official 1990 England World Cup Squad jersey and I would wear it with pride on weekends, mufty day and even on Eid.

When a new boy joined our class, all the other boys first reaction was to ask "What team do you support?", followed by what position they played and then we'd ask what their name was. That's the way it was done. We didn't care about the colour of your skin, it was the colour of your team's jersey that mattered most.

Then I went to live in America, where I was robbed of my Englishness and called "Muffin" every day. No access to Match of The Day or Teletext, I lost touch with English Football and was victimised by my American school chums for my accent (which the girls liked) and because at 12-13 years old I was a mere 5ft tall compared to my cholesterol-engineered peers who were much larger and actively attracting smaller planets into the orbit of their nacho-munching faces. Then in the summer of 1993, England came to the USA to play in a friendly, and finally I thought I was going to have my moment of victory and rubbing it into the face of my Yankee friends. But no, it seems that life had conspired to humiliate me yet again as we lost 2-0. I got on the school bus the next day to a roar of laughter, I dipped my head a found a seat somewhere in the back and sulked.

When I came back to England, a lot had changed. Puberty had set in and I now had hair in funny places and I had seen Jurassic Park months before it had come out in the UK and as a result could do this impression of a dinosaur that I would use to chase my little cousins around the house. Having been removed from the English Football culture, I was no longer in touch with it all. Although I love to play Football, the withdrawal at such a age totally wiped me of any interest in following the game any more, especially since now I had gotten a Super Nintendo with Street Fighter 2. These days I only watch Football if England are playing, this is because Football and patriotism to me go hand in hand. I get really annoyed when friends of mine say they 'support Brazil' though neither having ever been there or having any Brazilian affiliation whatsoever. Bobby Robson's England squad of 1990 was the best, it's not been the same since then.

They don't make em' like they used to...

Thursday, 3 March 2011

iPad Zero unveiled!

iPad Zero, it was inevitable.
Here it is, the shiny new iPad Zero, the cost-effective prequel destined for eager children in developing nations and the financially challenged in the post-credit crunch apocalypse of the west.

Revealed at some random digital technology conference in San Diego or something, Apple President; Steve Jobs was proud to present his latest device to a packed out auditorium of gullible fans with too much money to spend. As cameras flashed, nerdy voices dictated the descriptions of this latest groundbreaking technology into their dictaphones and jotted down their thoughts to blog online to the eager fans on the outside who couldn't watch the event being streamed live on their original iPad thanks to the Adobe Flash plugin that was required.

The iPad Zero features -

* Limited reams of pages, can be written upon with almost any pen or pencil device (sold separately).
* Ring bound wire technology to keep all pages secure, also permits easy turning thanks to circular ring design.
* Feint lined pages offers guidance for writing in straight lines.
* Automatic landscape mode provides 16:9 view for illustration purposes.
* Video feature in bottom right or left of page provides frame by frame animation flick book.
* Share your documents with friends and family even if they don't have an iPad Zero, by ripping the page off and giving it to them.
* Airplane mode allows Users to create paper airplanes and throw them around the room.
* Fits in the palm of your hand and weighs next to nothing.
* Latest "no battery" technology means that all documents are saved permanently and the iPad Zero can be used at any time and will never need to be charged.

The iPad Zero will ship immediately and will come in two versions; the 30 page "Lite" version ($499), and the 100 page "Smug amateur novelist" version ($7999).

Reservations have already begun and it's hotly tipped to be the top Ramadan gift of 2011, reserve yours now and be the envy of all your friends.