"Multiculturalism has failed"

This past weekend, David Cameron spoke at the Munich Security Conference where his comments were reported succinctly as "Multiculturalism has failed" to the supportive reception from the EDL who were staging their biggest protest to date in Luton on the same day with their army of fear-exploited shopping trolley thieves and the brown mascot affectionately known as "EDL Abdul" whose identity behind closed doors of the EDL's non-racist manifesto is known to be "that stupid paki". On the other hand, many found Cameron's statement on multiculturalism somewhat suspect and perhaps illustrates his own lack of understanding of Britain's actual day to day diverse cohesion by normal people and the obvious absence of him having any actual Black friends. You know, we all have Black friends, I bet you have one called Dwayne, whom you've always wanted to tell has a passing resemblance to Lenny Henry but have failed to do so for fear of looking like a racist. Look here's mine -

My friend Dwayne

Lenny Henry

Multiculturalism is a political buzzword these days, often used to illustrate the diverse array of arts, craft, cuisine, traditions and hot girls we'd like to 'tap that ass' of. However, these days the word is often used to describe the breakdown of communities where different factions fail to integrate and get along with each other and then kick off to give more weight to the notion that groups of Muslims are conspiring towards a mass suicide bombing of a western establishment of debauchery where the upstanding mothers and fathers of tomorrow lay the foundations of their future relationships by conceiving their children in toilet cubicles or the backseat of a Polo. The truth is simple and it is this -

In our society, there is a significant number of idiots who react and reason almost exclusively with immature emotions that are prompted by fear. These epic failures of human specimens are dangerous because they will use anger and violence to make their mark and get their way. Whilst the rest of us pussyfoot around with our intelligence, patience and reasoning, naively believing our superior knowledge and understanding can prevent the impact of a punch, molotov cocktail or bomb. Far be it from me to recommend that a calculated selection process be exercised as to who remains in civilised society, but you see, the government needs these nut jobs to maintain control by dividing society with an atmosphere of fear to push various agendas in which the general population is exploited to make the rich even richer. I'm not saying there is a massive global conspiracy to control the world using fear to gain profit for an elite few, but it's true, just ask David Icke, Alex Jones or Jesse Ventura.

More importantly though, multiculturalism is the same word has been bandied around reviews of my solo show "An Audience with Imran Yusuf", it's about me; Imran Yusuf, and I have an audience with whom I share my act, largely about my experiences with identity in this dynamically polarised world of labels of which I have never fit in anywhere as 'normal', being afraid of girls and my paradigms of spirituality and all that kinda stuff. Thanks to the favourable reviews and Edinburgh nomination for this show in which my name plays a massive part, I was offered many new opportunities including a few parts on Charlie Brooker's new TV show "How TV Ruined Your Life", a show which exposes the truths behind the filthy agenda of many TV shows. I was really excited to work with Charlie and be on his show, especially since GamesWipe spoke to me as a gamer in a way untouched since Dominic Diamond's sarcasm made Games Master's celebrity challenges bearable to watch. Except that time Dave Perry got upset over the Super Mario 64 challenge in which he lost to a journo, that was hilarious.

How TV Ruined Your Life - I sat in a room with three other women and I'm the only one who got a word in. Just sayin'

My debut on How TV Ruined Your Life was cool, a fleeting scene in which I say "Yeah, that's a weird bruise", I now look forward to the rest of the series in which more of my comedy acting can be seen. Proud of myself and all the hard work that it took to get this far in this dream to become a comedian, I then saw the credits scroll and lo and behold my name spelt incorrectly!

Who is Imran YUSEF? Never has my last name ever been spelt with an "E", but for some reason it's an easy mistake to make, what with the plethora of resources available to check such an unimportant detail like someone's name. Maybe I'm overreacting, I mean how important is my name really? I mean how hard was it for that last "U" to be converted into an "E" when al the contractual paperwork contained the correct spelling for my name and that the poster for my solo show displays my name in idiot-proof capitals.

When I started out as a comic, my name was often misspelt and/or I was introduced by the compere as one of the following - Imran Khan, Yusuf Imran, Yusuf Islam, and last weekend during a small gig in Wadhurst, as Joe Rowntree. Maybe it doesn't matter, I mean, I'm not Dara O Briain or Omid Djallili. But after working so hard all these years pursuing a dream to make up for my academic failures and having been denied my efforts to become the next Shigeru Miyamoto, to see my name spelt incorrectly is a lovely kick in the face to remind me that I'm still an insignificant nobody who was kicked out of two GCSEs and then left to defend myself from muggers at bus stops everyday after school.

So maybe multiculturalism has failed, maybe I should change my name and eat a bacon sandwich.
<Storms off in a silent indignant rage>

PS - This blog post is light-hearted mockery and not a genuine rage-induced diatribe. However, stay tuned and in no time you'll see this headline -
"Muslim comic Imran Yusef slams TV execs in racism row". That's the headline the newspapers want to write.

Apple Store London

I'm in the Apple Store in London today, after having been interviewed on BBC London Breakfast for Joanne Goode's radio show I wandered into this plush, pretentious and cultish retailer of the most stylish computer brand since the Amiga, which coincidentally was responsible for the special effects in Babylon 5.

The Apple Store is not like any other computer store, for a start they only deal in their own brand, although there are third party peripherals and accessories in case you don't want to put a mortgage down on an official iPod sock. The design of the store is very shopper-friendly, you walk in and are both permitted and encouraged to use the array of expensive Apple devices, touching them with your anxious grubby hands, leaving fingerprints and smudges over the glossy screens of the most sought after electronic device since the Tamagotchi.

The staff at the Apple Store can be a mixed bag, I've seen one member of staff dismiss a potential customer's inquiry with an aloof "I don't know" all without ever making eye contact. However, they're not all like that, some of the staff are clued up and helpful, especially the young boyband-looking kid who sold me my MacBook Air and answered all my questions with honesty, accuracy and patience as I repeated my questions out of the excitement of being inducted into the group of people that can pretend to look like they're writing a novel in any cafe-type area in which others can observe my silent creativity even though I'm probably arsing around on Facebook and/or Twitter.

Your entire digital needs can be met here, don't just get any phone, get an iPhone. Walkman? Get an iPod Nano, iPod Video, or iPod Touch. Intermediate digital device that's not a computer nor an iPod? Get an iPad! Computer? Get a MacBook Air, MacBook Pro, or a Power Mac. And then sync all these devices via iTunes and Mobile Me. The government doesn't need to collect information on it's citizens or issue ID cards, Apple are making your personal data and digital identity into one collective cool image. Even if you're a complete technophobe, the Apple Store has a compelling atmosphere in which you want to own these devices and be part of the new digital lifestyle as we head towards "The Singularity" in an electronic hand basket that is being delivered by the rapid progress of this phenomenal technological revolution that allows us to communicate in an unprecedented fashion and more importantly catch you speeding or driving in a bus lane, because that generates money for the government.

Renowned for never crashing or breaking down, this Mac myth is dealt with by the experts at the "Genius Bar". Sorry, they're not "experts", they're "geniuses" in blue t-shirts who can fix your Mac problem provided you've made an appointment to a service that is oversubscribed by those who manage to brick their Mac device by spilling water on it or trying to install an Adobe Flash application.

Upstairs at the Apple Store, there is a small theatre at the back in which one of the staff give workshops and presentations on what your Mac can do and how to un-intuitively "right click" by dislocating your hand first. It's here that you are welcome to sit down and use the power socket and free WiFi to take part in the show or do as I did and sit here and do other work, most notably arse around on Facebook and/or Twitter. I normally write my comedy material with pen and paper, but since I was devoid of such an instrument and too intimidated to ask the hawte brunette that works here, I instead got to work on my Mac. As I typed away in three different windows, working on three different ideas at the same time (men can multi-task, but only when we're excited... ahem!), a tall man sat next to me and kept looking over. I assumed this was because of my sexy new MacBook Air, then he asked me "Are you that comedian?". I then remembered that I am indeed that comedian and not just some wandering comic who wanted somewhere quiet to arse around on Facebook and/or Twitter ;-p

Such a robust shop in which I can chill out and do some work in, siphoning the electricity and WiFi and even a fairly tidy customer bathroom, all the Apple Store needs is a small cafe in it, and I'd come here to write material and scoff down a chocolate muffin, veg panini and a hot chocolate whilst typing away on my MacBook Air like some smug creative intellectual when really I'm just some idiot kid with no education but has an eerily accurate impression of a velociraptor.

Ms Interpret

Social networking has allowed us to communicate like never before, at the touch of a button you can tell the entire world how you feel, what you opinion is or what colour your pants are, and the whole world can see it and reply to you instantly telling you how much they care and how awesome you really are.

However, as technology brings us closer, improves our lives and flashes different coloured lights into our faces, the age-old human failure mechanism of misinterpreting compromises the advantages of such technology and takes us back to square one in an instant. Never underestimate the power of hypersensitive fatalistic idiots, they can make mountains out of molehills in an area where no moles exist.

Twitter is a social networking site that allows real time status updates in 140 character bursts, a great alternative if you don't care for Facebook or can't remember what MySpace was all about. However, with a 140 character limit, Tweeters must be succinct with their words and ensure that the meaning of their tweet is clear and without ambiguity... unless of course you're trying to say something funny, be ironic, aloof etc, you know, like a comedian might. Then you run into the trouble of someone misinterpreting what you say, taking offence, calling your Mum a Nazi and trying to chastise you publicly on Twitter like a tech-savvy absent-father.

Recently some people have received all kinds of hell for their perceived behaviour on Twitter, sometimes the truth gets drowned out in the sensationalised hate mongering that is perpetuated by nutjobs who want to police the internet with their self-righteous indignation and truncheon of justice in the shape of a USB mouse. It's either them or the authorities who are watching you on the CCTV cameras that never catch criminals but will always catch you breathing in the direction of a bus lane during peak hours and billing you with a pricey ticket for the privilege.

To be on the safe side, it is best to water-down what you want to say and leave no space for ambiguity, which ultimately robs us of being spontaneous and witty. It seems that we are increasingly at the mercy of people who will misinterpret what has been said because of their own fears, indignation or just because they need to kick-off. In the few instances my tweets have been misinterpreted, I have chosen not to engage in a tweet-debate, instead relying on the reputation of my many followers who understand my sense of humour to remind myself that I'm not the bad guy that someone else wants me to be just so that they can feel good about themselves. So, to those of you who read this and are following me, thank you, I appreciate your support :-)

Live from Phi Phi Island

Imran Yusuf, now with "400% more brown!"

Not so much an article but more of a 'dear diary' as I sit in an open air cafe on Phi Phi Island, sharing my thoughts with any followers wanting to hear them.

I am currently on Phi Phi Island in Thailand, previously having been devastated by the Tsunami many years ago, the island has been rebuilt to continue it's business in attracting pierced, tattooed and heavy drinking foreigners as a popular holiday destination in the sun where you can get off your nut and have drunken sex in cheap hotel rooms where the previous resident's bodily fluids are still visible in the bedsheets. Classy.

Previous to this, I was in Ao Nang and then in Railey, where it was somewhat more respectable, even if some girls will encourage you to take them kayaking to secluded beaches and not reveal that they have boyfriends waiting for them at home. It's day time in Phi Phi right now, so I am able to chill out without the thumping baseline of dance music that makes my skeleton vibrate as I watch another fire show for the umpteenth time, impressed by the dynamism of wielding balls of fire that sometimes come off and straight into the unsuspecting crowds face. The Thai's aren't big on health and safety, nor is there an Trading Standards here, which became clear as I gulped down a 6 month old Gatorade the other day.

This has been my first holiday in a long, long, long time. The last time I went abroad for myself and on my own was on pilgrimage through Israel/Palestine, Jordan and Saudi Arabia in the summer of 2006, and that was not a holiday as in as much a journey of introspection and being ripped off by Arab merchants and having assault rifles stuck into my face by Israeli soldiers on the threshold of every shop or station. Fast-forward to Jan 2011 and I've finally gone on holiday for myself to unwind many years of mental and physical stress that has been built up from pursuing my dream to become a comedian, and it is such a relief. I've met cool people, have done cool things, and enjoyed the power of my UK currency go to work for me in this part of the world. Here in Thailand, the British Pound is strong, and although foreigners are likely to be ripped-off given even a moment of a naivety, I've enjoyed a relaxed lifestyle here that back home would cost me a small fortune.

This experience has encouraged me to feel a lot more grateful for what I have, when I see how hard the locals here, men, women AND children all hustle to make a living, I realise that I live in a relative paradise compared to them, and all of a sudden it seems that I actually have no problems, only an abundance of resource and opportunity on the cold, snow-swept, 20% VAT island I am a citizen of. I know what you're thinking, that I should have ended that last sentence with a preposition. But it's my blog, so too bad, I do as I please.

As a foreigner here, I can't move for all the merchants selling me massages, dinner, drinks and even to stick my feet in a tank of cleaner fish who will eat all my dead skin. Seeing how the locals live and how much harder they have to work for so many of the luxuries that I take for granted has really put life back into perspective amidst all the showing off that I do for a living and the stress the comes in driving around the country doing gigs. It's nice to know that gratitude and humility really can be an antidote to our everyday pressures in the west, but as much good this has done for me, I'm eager to return to my HDTV and Xbox 360 next week :-)

Behold my naive optimism!

During the Edinburgh festival this year, I was interviewed by Lovephool TV. We had a chat about my life philosophy in one of the dimly lit bars of Espionage after my show.

My observation and belief is that life is nothing more than a vehicle for inspiration. All of us are a conduit for the best of virtue or worst of vice, dispensing these qualities throughout our lives and into the experiences of others which creates our world. Comedy is a great vehicle to explore these ideas and to communicate them in a lighthearted yet meaningful way, and I hope that my efforts will in some way bear a positive effect.



You can probably tell how knackered I am in this video, I racked up 101 gigs in 25 days and I was fasting. I am surprised I didn't evaporate!

Feeling UP

Recently I watched a lot of upsetting news in the forms of the extremist, ignorant and hateful factions of society. It's been quite nasty and depressing to digest. The more I watch the news and interact with the internet, nothing more than the ugly side of mankind has reached out to punch me in the face.

I watched the documentary BNP Wives, a look at the women in the BNP who campaign for the BNP, some really old and past their menopause, with no hope of finding any real joy in their lives, focussing on giving their remaining time on planet Earth perpetuating hate. I saw more and more about the EDL and even received a hate tweet from this lovely chap -  EnglishPatriot2

I chose to retweet this, I refuse to let such fascism be ignored. This gentlemen is either going to live a painful life of being an uneducated, inexperienced and delusional bigot, or he might grow up and take advantage of the enormous capacity for intelligence every human brain usually comes equipped with.

Also, what doesn't help are the minority of fundamentalist religious zealots whose words and actions manage to represent the entirety of the Muslim community in Britain, which the fear mongering arms of the media love to evangelise into public enemy number one. With all of this going on, I've felt a little overwhelmed by the abundance of ignorance and hate that is pouring into our society, if often feels like there is no hope for any kind of peace or joy. Let's face it, most of us do NOT want to live in the fascist utopia of any these nutjobs, be it in the fundamentalist and ritualistic dictatorship of the religious nutters or the feral Jeremy Kyle Show candidates of the EDL. However, it seems that the voices for the rest of us are washed away in the tides of hate. Unfortunately, a sad fact of life is that one act of hate has more of an instant impact than the opulence of love. It takes years for life to thrive and grow, but it takes just one single storm to destroy it all.

Overwhelmed by this all, I began to despair for the future as the numbers of the uneducated, ignorant, hateful and greedy outstrip the few who can communicate and co-operate. In reality, neither the religious zealots or the fascist right-wing are actually going to win, neither side will get their way, but the fact that they both exist and that the rest of us have to be caught in the middle, is the reality we have to live with.

Fortunately, never too far away is the abundance of art in which humans have communicated the beauty of our aspirations and potential to experience the joys of what is possible. Tonight, I watched the Disney Pixar film; UP.

Without giving too much away in case you haven't seen it, UP is a fantastic story of having a dream, having ambition and experiencing the journey of life with someone you care about. Although, we may not all have an abundance of material wealth or all the breaks and opportunities that we desire, but if you can share your life with someone you love, then even the simplest of everyday experiences becomes a joy to have. To quote my favourite personal development coach; Anthony Robbins - "The purpose of human relationships is to magnify the human experience".

Fortunately for us, even when we are bombarded by all that is wrong, a rich source for all that is right is recorded in our films, books and stories (and video games, check out Shenmue!) that illustrate the virtues of all that makes life such a precious and joyous experience. It's easy to take these forms of entertainment lightly, but the truth is that this is how human beings record and communicate the very best of our hopes, abilities and aspirations, and they remain the library of our accomplishments as a reminder and influence of the enormous capacity our minds have to create a much better world. So, in conclusion, what I am trying to say is that if you ever feel down about the state of the world and need a pick up, reach into the abundant library of good human virtues and sink your teeth into some of this wonderful soul food.

Hopeful romantic or just an idiot?

Today I braved the adverse weather conditions to make it to my gig, the snow in London is pretty impressive and it only compounded the closures/strikes to make travel a hassle for anyone trying to get around the city.

I put on my thermals and as many layers as I could put on before I left, with my headphones in, I sailed through my journey to the Comedy Tree in Putney. When I got to Putney Green station I observed a young attractive lady approaching the stairwell with her suitcase and preparing herself to carry it down. As I approached the steps I saw her lift the suitcase with some difficulty before taking slow, cautious steps downwards towards the exit. I asked her if she would like a hand, to which she hospitably reacted. I took the suitcase and lifted it with a false demonstration of strength as my skinny arms were challenged by the weight of her luggage, it was heavy! Not wanting to look like a weakling, I tensed my biceps and successfully continued with the short journey towards the exit. We walked together, step by step in silence, neither of us making eye contact as we carefully navigated the wet steps on this cold, snowy evening. When we got to the bottom, she gave her thanks, I told her she was welcome, then she left with the only remaining challenge to make it through the barriers with her cumbersome luggage.

Call me a romantic, or just an idiot, but part of my naively hoped that this was a special chance encounter. You know, like in the movies when the woman struggles with something and the chivalrous guy comes to her rescue, then he asks her out, she says 'yes' and then the film kicks off and in the end they fall in love. But it seems, that real life is not like this for the most part, probably thanks to the climate of fear and distrust of strangers.

There are plenty of chivalrous men, but sometimes it can be scary to be chivalrous in case it backfires. I have heard of plenty of stories where men have offered to help with heavy bags, only to be shouted at by ultra-feminist nutjobs who interpret any communication from a man to be nothing more than an insulting and exploitative invitation. I hesitated only momentarily because of this, but because she was young, I took a gamble and my hospitality was appreciated. As we descended down those steps, I could have easily started a conversation with her, but thought against it in the fear that she may interpret my offer of help as nothing more than an opportunity to chat her up, so I stayed quiet. As we parted ways with pleasantries, there was no eye contact, just simple words and we were on our way.

Maybe those romantic movies put silly ideas in our heads that chance encounters in the real world lead to such amazing relationship adventures? Although, I do know that one of my friends, a few years ago, was once depressed, so he went out for a walk in central London, a girl randomly asked him for directions. They're married now.

Anyone have any cool romantic stories? Leave your comments below or tweet me :-)