Apple Store London

I'm in the Apple Store in London today, after having been interviewed on BBC London Breakfast for Joanne Goode's radio show I wandered into this plush, pretentious and cultish retailer of the most stylish computer brand since the Amiga, which coincidentally was responsible for the special effects in Babylon 5.

The Apple Store is not like any other computer store, for a start they only deal in their own brand, although there are third party peripherals and accessories in case you don't want to put a mortgage down on an official iPod sock. The design of the store is very shopper-friendly, you walk in and are both permitted and encouraged to use the array of expensive Apple devices, touching them with your anxious grubby hands, leaving fingerprints and smudges over the glossy screens of the most sought after electronic device since the Tamagotchi.

The staff at the Apple Store can be a mixed bag, I've seen one member of staff dismiss a potential customer's inquiry with an aloof "I don't know" all without ever making eye contact. However, they're not all like that, some of the staff are clued up and helpful, especially the young boyband-looking kid who sold me my MacBook Air and answered all my questions with honesty, accuracy and patience as I repeated my questions out of the excitement of being inducted into the group of people that can pretend to look like they're writing a novel in any cafe-type area in which others can observe my silent creativity even though I'm probably arsing around on Facebook and/or Twitter.

Your entire digital needs can be met here, don't just get any phone, get an iPhone. Walkman? Get an iPod Nano, iPod Video, or iPod Touch. Intermediate digital device that's not a computer nor an iPod? Get an iPad! Computer? Get a MacBook Air, MacBook Pro, or a Power Mac. And then sync all these devices via iTunes and Mobile Me. The government doesn't need to collect information on it's citizens or issue ID cards, Apple are making your personal data and digital identity into one collective cool image. Even if you're a complete technophobe, the Apple Store has a compelling atmosphere in which you want to own these devices and be part of the new digital lifestyle as we head towards "The Singularity" in an electronic hand basket that is being delivered by the rapid progress of this phenomenal technological revolution that allows us to communicate in an unprecedented fashion and more importantly catch you speeding or driving in a bus lane, because that generates money for the government.

Renowned for never crashing or breaking down, this Mac myth is dealt with by the experts at the "Genius Bar". Sorry, they're not "experts", they're "geniuses" in blue t-shirts who can fix your Mac problem provided you've made an appointment to a service that is oversubscribed by those who manage to brick their Mac device by spilling water on it or trying to install an Adobe Flash application.

Upstairs at the Apple Store, there is a small theatre at the back in which one of the staff give workshops and presentations on what your Mac can do and how to un-intuitively "right click" by dislocating your hand first. It's here that you are welcome to sit down and use the power socket and free WiFi to take part in the show or do as I did and sit here and do other work, most notably arse around on Facebook and/or Twitter. I normally write my comedy material with pen and paper, but since I was devoid of such an instrument and too intimidated to ask the hawte brunette that works here, I instead got to work on my Mac. As I typed away in three different windows, working on three different ideas at the same time (men can multi-task, but only when we're excited... ahem!), a tall man sat next to me and kept looking over. I assumed this was because of my sexy new MacBook Air, then he asked me "Are you that comedian?". I then remembered that I am indeed that comedian and not just some wandering comic who wanted somewhere quiet to arse around on Facebook and/or Twitter ;-p

Such a robust shop in which I can chill out and do some work in, siphoning the electricity and WiFi and even a fairly tidy customer bathroom, all the Apple Store needs is a small cafe in it, and I'd come here to write material and scoff down a chocolate muffin, veg panini and a hot chocolate whilst typing away on my MacBook Air like some smug creative intellectual when really I'm just some idiot kid with no education but has an eerily accurate impression of a velociraptor.