Imran Yusuf - The Official Comedy Blog

BRING THE THUNDER, Soho Theatre

2012-02-07T17:29:00.000Z

Exciting news!! I am bringing my second solo show; BRING THE THUNDER to the Soho Theatre in London from 17th - 21st April, ahead of my full UK tour later this year, get your tickets here NOW!!

CLICK THIS LINK FOR TICKETS!!

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Following the sell-out success of Imran Yusuf’s first two full-length comedy shows at The Edinburgh Festival Fringe and the popularity of his debut UK Tour in 2011, Imran is delighted to present his second show, Bring The Thunder!! for a week at London’s Soho Theatre in Spring 2012. The sequel to his 2010 Edinburgh Comedy Award Best Newcomer nominated show, An Audience With Imran Yusuf, this is a show about pursuing your dreams and ambitions with unrelenting enthusiasm and perseverance.

Motivating, inspiring and 100% comedy!

Reading a book per week (JAN) - My inadvertent New Year's Resolution

2012-02-03T17:46:00.000Z

With each annual acknowledgment of the chronological phenomenon renowned for measuring the minutae of the disputable fourth dimension affectionately known as 'time', humans all around the submerged rock of Earth partake in the self-improvement fad called a "new year's resolution" and embrace a new activity to improve their lives.

I was on holiday over the new year and found myself with the uninterrupted peace that permitted me to do a lot of reading, and so I read for hours whilst soaking up the sun on the island of Koh Tao. I managed to read 5 books in two weeks and so decided to keep going and inadvertently found myself vowing to average a book per week for the rest of the year. In order to stick to this and keep track, I will blog about my newly found extreme activity of "bookworming".

January

1: Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor E Frankl

True story of an Auschwitz survivor and how his attitude helped him cope with what seemed like the end of his life. A testament to the power of perspective and using a practical optimism to help yourself even in a very dire situation.

2: Millionaire Mindset - T. Harv Eker

Does exactly what it says on the tin (cover). The science of the right financial discipline does not elude anyone with the right attitude.

3: Outliers - Malcolm Gladwell

This book opened my eyes on the secrets behind successful people, you MUST read this book. Want to be excellent and successful at something? Put your ten thousand hours in now, oh, and get a bit lucky too...

4: I,Steve - Steve Jobs

I still miss my PC and using Windows, but this man's achievements were epic and he was an inspiration.

5: Life Without Limits - Nick Vujicic

No arms or legs, yet his life is one of joy and inspiration, A bit too strong on the religious front, but a humbling read about a guy who has contributed incredibly to others around the world.

6: 30 Things To Do When You Turn 30 - Ronnie Sellers

More than just a feel-good attempt. Apparently your 30s are all about coming into your own and really embracing your adulthood.

7: Bounce - Matthew Syed

Similar to Outliers but deeper, I love reading into the science of success and excellence.

So that's 7 books in 1 month, which means as long as I read one more, I won't need to read anything until the start of March. However, considering my insane comedian's schedule, I will not rest on my laurels and will persist in staying way above the threshold. Stay tuned to my blog for the monthly update on this endeavour.

Why I love Anime

2011-12-26T22:39:00.003Z

Goku; charming as a boy, a legend as a man.

Merry Xmas to you all, I hope that you're enjoying the holidays with your friends and families.

I wanted to write this blog post in regards to the influence Anime has had on me these last few years, most notably on Hajime no Ippo, Naruto, and not forgetting DragonBall Z of course as that's where it all started for me.

In the West, animated cartoons have mainly been aimed at children and in the last 10-20 years have become more and more popular as a form of satire for a more mature audience.

Why don't we have a British equivalent? Hmmm...

However, in the East, or at least in Japan, the medium of cartoon has long been a medium to express deep, meaningful drama that cover a range of topics that ultimately all have to do with the human condition, all of which gets wrapped up with tongue-in-cheek humour and giant inter-dimensional talking ninja toads.

When in doubt, do a Kuchiyose no jutsu!

To the untrained eye, Anime just might appear to be juvenile fantasy nonsense for children, but it is in fact so incredibly deep, that Anime often demonstrates the power to move your soul in a way that few films or books ever do these days. Whatever the medium, art can convey incredible ideas and inspire our greatest hope, ambition and the courage to see them through, and Anime does this in immense proportions. In many Anime shows, the main protagonist is a plucky underdog, sometimes not liked or ever taken seriously by others, and always accompanied by a good looking rival that everyone else likes much to their chagrin. If you ever feel that you're up against the odds in life, been overlooked by those around you who seem to win the favour of everyone else whilst you only earn the scornful looks of disdain and disgust, then there is guaranteed to be an Anime character that you'll relate to.

Alone and unwanted.

It all started for me with DragonBall Z, the sequel to the DragonBall series that only made it to the wider West after the sequel itself had found loyal following on Cartoon Network. The main character was Goku, an alien humanoid that was sent to Earth as a baby so that he would destroy the planet and prepare it for colonisation by his race who would follow later. However, he crash-landed on Earth and was raised by a man who cared for him and because of this he learnt compassion and love, and grew to vow to use his powers to protect everyone. Goku grew up and attracted the attention of many villains who understand that they must destroy him in order to conquer Earth (or any other nearby planet they fancy), with each battle, Goku becomes stronger and even wins over the hearts of his enemies to change their ways, but only when he sees one of his friends die in battle, does he dig deep and reveal his true power and becomes a Super Saiyan.

When faced with an unforgiving enemy who waged death and destruction, Goku watched his friend die before realising that he had to find a greater strength if he was going to save everyone. And with the pain of watching his friend get killed, realising that he wasn't strong enough, he used the pain to fuel his ascension into becoming a Super Saiyan; a metaphor for our own inner strength that we can only access when we dig deep into our desires and find it deep in our souls. DragonBall Z was my entry into the world of Anime, after this my fascination with these cartoons got a bit deeper and I started to realise how moving Anime could be. Anime is by its very nature very optimistic yet grounded in the realities of our human shortcomings of fear and greed. Through the characters, I related to the problems and became inspired to be courageous in the face of adversity and become stronger than whatever challenge appeared.

Ippo combined Mike Tyson's "Peek-a-Boo" style with Jack's "Dempsey Roll".
I used to do this as a warm up before gigs.

In the depth of my depression in 2006, I started my road to recovery with an Anime called Hajime no Ippo (loosely translated means "One of many steps"), in the West it was known as "Fighting Spirit", but because I am a pompous Shinnichi (Japanophile), I prefer to refer to and watch Anime in Nihongo (Japanese). Hajime no Ippo is an Anime about Boxing, the main character is Ippo Makanouchi, a young introverted boy with no friends who gets bullied a lot. One day, a local Boxer saves Ippo from being beaten up after school, Ippo then decides to want to learn to defend himself and takes up Boxing. Through the Boxing gym, he makes friends and earns respect, his life changes and his dream then becomes to one day be the Japanese National Featherweight Champion. I used to watch the show and felt that Ippo's life kind of related to my own problems at the time, so I latched on and found it incredibly inspiring to watch. Maybe my own inner introvert could find a channel to pursue his dreams, so I would dash home after my minimum waged games testing job to watch as much as I could to help me become mentally stronger and inspire me take my own "One of many steps" towards my own dreams.

One of the most profound things I have learnt from Anime is that the main protagonist is a plucky underdog who has little choice other than to go up against immense challenges to find any joy or purpose in life. These characters are the perfect example for someone who feels out of touch with the world, as they can be related to.

Naively optimistic with grand ambitions, that's why I love Naruto.

The best example of this is in the Naruto Anime. A petulant brat that annoys everyone and which none of the girls at all fancy, Naruto decides that his ambition is to become "Hokage" (the most powerful ninja and village leader) when he grows up so that he will be acknowledged by everyone that shuns him and so that he can protect everyone. As the series progresses, Naruto's shortcomings and the scornful attitudes of those around him change as they realise that his ambitions are truly selfless, Naruto effectively becomes mightier than his problems, and his fortunes and the attitudes of those around him change in his favour. Naruto always focuses on what he can give (except when he wants to eat ramen) and his example in giving unconditional love brings him and those around him joy as he forges the path in alleviating pain and ushering in peace to the cursed ninja world of war.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's all nonsense, perhaps these stories of inspiration, having ambition and being courageous are of no value in our everyday lives of having to wake up, go to work, earn just enough to live off and then do it all again the next day, every day until our flesh perishes on this mortal plane. Or maybe I might be a little right, just maybe a little, if you have a dream, work hard and smart, and never ever give up... maybe then, dreams do come true...

Sneaky photo I took on my phone the day before we shot the show... see it on BBC3 in 2012!

FREE TICKETS TO MY TV SHOW!!

2011-11-25T16:07:00.000Z

Check out my brand new TV show!!

The time has finally come! I am giving away FREE TICKETS to my TV show - THE IMRAN YUSUF SHOW.

We're recording TWO shows at THE GARAGE on SAUCHIEHALL STREET on TUESDAY 6th DECEMBER, the FIRST SHOW is at 7pm, the SECOND SHOW is at 8:30pm.

To get your FREE TICKETS go to WWW.SROAUDIENCES.COM, choose CURRENT SHOWS, click on THE IMRAN YUSUF SHOW and register for your FREE TICKETS!!

Since you're reading my blog and must be a true fan, you can get your FREE PRIORITY TICKETS by entering the secret password "Dattebayo" in the Comments & Information box when applying for the tickets.

I'm really, really, really excited and looking forward to the show. It's going to be a cool mix of stand-up with sketches much in the ilk of the inspiration behind this dream project of mine; Chappelle's Show.

The News

2011-11-21T20:29:00.000Z

Fed up of all the bad news? Bored of listening to the same old intolerant, hateful nutjobs that incite fear into society? Upset at all the stories of famine, disaster, and poverty? Sometimes it seems that we're overwhelmed by all the bad news in the world, that we'd be forgiven for feeling that there is no hope for humanity.

So, I choose to post this in the recognition and celebration of those who work towards making the world a better place and the profound positive effect their selflessness has on humanity, and just how much of a difference just one person can make when charged with a noble will of contribution.

FEEDING THE POOR

ISRAELI DOCTORS HELPING ARAB CHILDREN

Also, I wanted to share this, it's the most romantic thing I have ever seen. True romance thrives...

And there you have it, don't let the violent, ignorant and greedy acts of a few blur the vista of just how awesome human beings can be...

WTF?!

2011-11-17T20:52:00.001Z

Thanks to Omere Isaac for spotting this and posting it on my Facebook Fan Page, it seems that my love for Swedes went too far during this week's England game.

Real? Photoshop? Doppelganger?

I fell out of my seat laughing at this, thinking it was a very good Photoshop job, but it turns out that it is in fact very real! Check this link on YouTube, you'll see someone who looks like me 5 seconds in - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkn0LMCiHHY

It definitely wasn't me, I was gigging in London, I swear!

Why I love Jackie Chan

2011-11-13T20:56:00.000Z

I love Jackie Chan, he is my number one childhood hero and I am going to tell you why.

"I love you too!"

I have been a massive Jackie Chan fan since I was 8 years old, when he was only known outside of Hong Kong thanks to the now almost redundant video rental stores that stocked his movies in the 'martial arts' section, where there was always an abundance of Jackie Chan movies that were mostly so good, that to a 8 year old, they elicit repeated rental. I knew and loved Jackie Chan way before he became famous in the west for his Hollywood movies, which really kicked off in the mid 90s thanks to Rumble in the Bronx.

But it's not just because of his movies that I love Jackie Chan, but because of his journey in life and who he became after starting out in a very menial life as the son of civil war refugees that earned their keep as cleaners for the French Ambassador in Hong Kong. He came from nothing with all the odds against him, he dreamed big, worked hard and became a ridiculously massive success and inspiration to people all over the world. His movies transcended cultures and earned him fans from every corner of the globe, the true mark of how spirit can bond people.

You can read Jackie's fantastic biography; I am Jackie Chan, My Life in Action.

Available online, get it on Amazon.

I highly recommend you buy this, it's incredibly inspiring and will give you an insight to a truly incredible man, a true underdog hero with a massive heart. If Naruto was real, he'd be Jackie Chan. Get it here from Amazon in the UK - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Jackie-Chan-My-Life-Action/dp/0345415035

Like I said, my first experience of Jackie Chan was when I was 8 years old, when I first moved to NW London, one of the responsible adults in my household rented out a movie to keep me placated during time off school. That movie was called "The Armour of God".

The original cover I remember from my childhood.

The Armour of God was like Indiana Jones with Kung Fu, mostly set in Europe with Jackie Chan as an international treasure hunter; Asian Hawk. To cut a long story short, Jackie has to rescue his cousin's girlfriend from an evil cult and acquire "the armour of God" that they have, a set of armour and weapons from a medieval war that were on the collection list for an antiques dealer who bankrolls Jackie's mission. Jackie has to end up fighting the entire evil cult single handedly, despite being totally outnumbered, his ingenious resourcefulness and 'never give up' attitude gets him by. By this point, I was in love with Jackie Chan, and then he said something in the movie that would change my life.

Towards the end of the film, Jackie Chan becomes a little bitter and starts venting about the hardships in his life. He then said this to his on-screen cousin -

"When I was a kid, I dreamt of being a hero, saving people, doing good deeds..."

Those words went straight to my naive 8 year old heart, and in that moment I decided "that's what I want to do". I might not be an international treasure hunter with insane Kung Fu skills, going around the world, beating up evil cults. But I can't help but think that I still believe in those words, that like Jackie, I learnt that one's desire for strength is only so that we can protect and help others weaker than us. Schmaltzy as that sounds, I would learn just how pertinent those words were when I learnt about Jackie's early life of modest means, hard work and having a dream. At the very least, his attitude towards a challenge is something I have most definitely embraced.

Jackie was sold into a Chinese Opera Academy at age 7 for a contract that lasted 10 years, in the hope that he would learn some skills and eventually have a trade in performing when he left at 17. It was 10 years of the kind of training and treatment that today would be unequivocally construed as abuse. He left the academy at 17. Poor and considering himself not good looking thanks to a fight that left him with a big broken nose (just like me), Jackie lived the life of a a stuntman in Hong Kong, earning a pittance for risking his life with no insurance or health & safety regulations on the set of various movies. He earned just enough to survive with no opportunity for anything big on the horizon. He also met his first girlfriend at 17, a beautiful young girl who came from a wealthy family and was a singer. When her father found out that she was dating Jackie; a poor, ugly stuntman with no realistic future, he forbade her from seeing him again. Jackie ran away, crying that he would never be good enough for any girl. Money and looks were areas he had no leverage in. After about a decade of hardship after leaving the academy, Jackie met up with his academy brothers; Yuen Biao and former academy bully; Samo Hung and dreamed of making their own movies. Shortly after, Jackie Chan became the biggest sensation in the asian movie market with all the wealth, opportunity and fans he could imagine.

For those of us who have been Jackie Chan fans before his Hollywood years, will know that Jackie's journey to stardom has been well earned, he pioneered cutting-edge fight choreography with his trademark underdog personality that endeared him to others who felt they too were outcast. Unlike the invincibility of Bruce Lee, Jackie was vulnerable and scared, but showed courage and ingenuity that inspired many of us, that perhaps we too could be as awesome as him.

Jackie is now not just a movie star, but a global brand. His work is not just on screen, but extends to enormous amounts of charity. If you've never seen a Jackie Chan movie, here's a snippet of his top ten fight scenes.

Some of you may have seen me on the Children in Need charity edition of Mastermind, where my chosen subject was Jackie Chan. I hope I did him proud.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b0175nwk/BBC_Children_in_Need_2011_Mastermind_Special/

Finally, to show you the extent of my Jackie Chan love, this is the kind of stuff I got up to in my teenage years -

Story of a Naive Optimist - Part 4 (Action)

2011-11-12T16:20:00.000Z

The final part of my 'Naive Optimist' story is all about ACTION.

First of all, having the right attitude and having a goal are both primarily emotional and mental, they cost nothing more than a little imagination and self-belief. Secondly, a strategy is a scientific plan, it requires intelligence, research, and advice before being committed to paper so that it may be followed and checked against. Finally comes action, this is where blood, sweat and tears come into the entire equation and ultimately deliver the goods of that which you desire. Taking action is the most difficult part, it actually means getting up and physically putting your attitude, goal, and plan into an actual physical action. Taking action will give you a result, which can often be failure, but the trick is to re-strategise and try again until you succeed. Once you've failed enough times, you'll have a pretty sure-fire way of consistently achieving the result that you want at a decent frequency.

The above might sound easy, but it is always the 'taking action' bit that is the hardest. Whatever your dream is, it's putting the effort in that can be difficult. However, if you want your goal enough, then the persistence to see it through will win over and eventually you'll take consistent action and eventually achieve the result you want.

An example from my own life and the answer to the question posed by every person considering to be a comic, is this - JUST DO IT.

Whatever your goal is, just get out there IMMEDIATELY and JUST DO IT. Sitting around dreaming and planning and never putting it into action is pointless. It's better to get out there and make mistakes so that you can learn from them for yourself, than to sit around speculating all the time. There is a lot of techniques that comics use, but none of them can be really learned until you experience using them in the field, so despite all the books one could read on becoming a stand-up, the best thing to do is just get out there and work on your craft. This is probably apt for just about any vocation, just get out there and do it.

Take action, and in the words of Anthony Robbins "TAKE MASSIVE ACTION". The bigger the effort, the bigger the result, the education and even possibly; the prize. Whatever your goal is, take massive action towards it, invest a lot of time, effort, money etc into what you want to do. The more you invest into your desires, the more you'll be committed or handcuffed to succeeding, until eventually your desires readily becomes your reality.

Final additional tips on my "Story of a Naive Optimist"series would be this -

Want to make more money?
Simply "add more value" to what you do. Expand your skill set, refine your skills, become the best. The more value you add, the more money you can expect for your contribution. Ultimately, own a business or be an investor, make your money work for you.

Want to improve your health?
Stop putting crap into your body, put nourishing things into your mouth instead. Exercise regularly, join a gym, train with a friend who will push you or like me, get a personal trainer. Also, get plenty of rest, your body repairs itself whilst you sleep. Last of all, take 1 x 20 min power nap a day during the day.

I've been learning about the science of personal development for a few years now and have had some relative success, I'm not entirely out the woods yet, but at least I managed to escape working in a video games QA dept for minimum wage and receiving a regular bollocking for not wanting to do unpaid overtime.

Well, that's all folks, I hope you found this informative and entertaining. Stay tuned to my adventures, I've got myself this far and now I'm gunning for the big time...

Welcome to my Penthouse Apartment on the Thames...

Check my sweet ride...

Det handlar om svenska kycklingar!

Dream big, work hard, love deep... anything is possible...

Story of a Naive Optimist - Part 3 (Strategy)

2011-11-08T23:50:00.000Z

In my experience of the personal development scene, I learnt of this famous saying -

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail".

Having a positive attitude and a goal are very emotional processes, it takes imagination and self-belief, which is critical to your success. However, the next part; strategy, is all about moving things into the area of measurements and critical thinking, planning your success is actually very scientific.

Genius, full stop.

I had all the self-belief in the universe and the ambition to become a video games designer for Nintendo, a dream I have held in my mind since I was eleven years old when I got my very first home console; the 8 bit NES with Super Mario Bros and Duck Hunt. I spent all of my years in high school playing my Super NES and Street Fighter 2, neglecting academia and instead trying to perfect that 4 hit Dragon Punch combo. All I wanted to do was make video games (when I wasn't at Karate classes) and despite voicing this to the school careers advisor, there was next to no resources or advice in the school environment to put me on the right path, so I continued not doing my homework and playing more video games. I managed to get into doing GCSE Information Systems, but was kicked out after a couple of classes when the teacher realised that I had no idea what I was doing. Regardless, I had a burning passion to make video games and that alone would ensure I was never going to be deterred from making it into the video games business, I was emotionally charged with all the right stuff to make my dreams come true.

However, I did not have a scientific plan to take those emotional assets to help me hone my skills and use them effectively to earn my rightful position as protege to the legendary Shigeru Miyamoto. I dreamt of spending every day gleaning from his creative genius yet humble persona, learning about his design philosophies and perhaps running out to the Lawson's outside the Nintendo HQ to get him some Pocky or a Pocari Sweat. However, I failed to plan, thus the plans to my failure had been made. I did make it into the video games business and even enjoyed some relative success, but to this day I have never met Miyamoto :-(

Be careful of getting excited just because you're in the right business or environment, this is where a lot of dreams are broken due to lack of planning. Just like your goals, your plan must also be written down, except it must be broken down into the most minute detail of every step you intend to take and factor in contingency plans if things don't go to plan. In that event, you must have other avenues to explore to keep you moving at all times towards your goal.

In order to get your plan started, you must ask yourself a series of important questions that will help. What steps can you take to get what you want? Who do you need to talk to that can help you get what you want? What do you need to learn to get what you want? To give you a relative example, what I should have done even before I joined the games industry was write down my plan and begin learning and mastering my skills in level design and script writing with a good design tool, and building a portfolio of work that would become part of my reputation. Also, I should have taken proper Japanese business language lessons, instead of just using an audio programme and learning to ask where the toilet is. If I had a plan for my video games dream, maybe right now I would be making the next Super Mario game from my office in Kyoto. Instead, I learnt from my failure and made sure that my goal to become a comic would be replete with perfect planning.

One of the most helpful ways to start planning is to write your goal down and then work backwards, describing the step that would be required before the one ahead of it would be achieved. Project planners use this method to figure out how to release a product on a specific date. Working backwards allows you to set a goal and then build a plan towards it using a step by step method.

Each step must be broken down into individual details.

Once you break down each individual step into as much detail as possible, you'll be then presented with tasks or 'mini-goals' that you can readily achieve towards the journey of your main ambition. For example, I knew that in order to be considered for regular paid work as a comic, I needed a minimum of a solid 20 min set that promoters would want to book me for. I started out working towards a 5 min set, then built my set minute by minute until I got to 20. Then I started to compere, which expanded my skill set. Then after a combination of continuing to build my set minute by minute, joke by joke and developing my compering skills, soon enough my hour long solo show was born. Next thing I knew, I was on my first UK tour. Boom.

Story of a Naive Optimist - Part 2 (Goals)

2011-11-05T18:05:00.000Z

As cheesy as it sounds in these cynical times, having a goal is essential if you're ever going to get anywhere. I often ask people what their goal or ambition is in life. This is often met with "dunno" or more commonly a reluctance to admit what their goal is in case someone overhears them and laughs, or more accurately because not even they believe that they can achieve their own dreams. Such is the reality of the apathy so prevalent in so many adults.

A life coach I met once told me a neat little trick for those who don't know what they want to do with their lives. Get a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle, on one side list all the things you don't like about your life, then once you're done, on the opposite side write the opposite of all the undesirable qualities you've just listed. Hey presto! You now have a list of things to aim for! If however, you are too fearful to admit you have a dream and share it with anyone, such a fear will remain. A little trick I've employed is something I learnt from watching the character Gai Sensei from the anime; Naruto. He once said something to the effect of "Handcuff yourself to success" whilst challenging someone in athletic competition. I interpreted it as this - By telling everyone you come into contact with what your dream or ambition is, you are handcuffed to succeeding in your endeavour because often enough the fear of failure is outweighed by the fear of looking like someone who never makes the effort on their intentions. Sure, you will fail in attempting to pursue your endeavours, but by telling everyone you know what you intend to achieve, you'll be more compelled to get back up and try again and again until you succeed. The fear of failure is outweighed by the awe of respect people will give you for achieving your dreams, and furthermore you will inspire them.

We all have dreams, desires, and ambitions. Even totally selfless types like Gandhi and Mother Teresa, they wished for peace and to alleviate suffering from humanity, these are all still valid goals anyone can possess for themselves to contribute towards and achieve.

So, what are your goals?

We all have more than one, be it health, wealth, career, love, spiritual etc. When you can write down what your specific goals are, you can get to work. Having a goal gives you focus, a clear idea of what you're aiming for allows you focus your skills and resources in the direction of where you want to go. If you don't know what you're aiming for, you just might land somewhere you don't want to be. An unfortunate reality of this world is that those who don't know what they want for themselves will often be manipulated into someone else's plan to work for them in return for a relative pittance.

Not only did I dream that I would become a professional comedian, my explicit goal was to play the world famous Comedy Store in London. I was a teenager when I first saw the Comedy Store TV show on late night cable TV, I had no idea that such an environment existed or that such a vocation had a home, but in that midnight hour, a TV show had changed my life. I watched the likes of; Terry Alderton and Adam Bloom (whom now are my mates and peers) make the room erupt with laughter, I watched them and thought to myself "I want to do that". The dream had begun, I was going to become a comedian. However, I had no idea where to start or who to contact. Furthermore, wasn't I chasing an initial dream to become a Video Games Designer?

Terry Alderton; Comedy hero and world record holder of the most consecutive encores at the Comedy Store,.

Fast forward a bit, my career in video games hadn't turned out as planned. The corporate environment of that business was not open to the creative ambitions of a kid with no programming qualifications, although I had a clear goal of working for Nintendo one day, I had no strategy (see part 3) and so my dreams of developing the next Super Mario game disappeared in one of the many disciplinary letters I received for being three minutes late at the battery farm chicken coop video game quality assurance departments I ended up working in. Depressed and broke, I realised that I had to sort my life out, and having experienced the intermittent joys of being an open mic comic and the inherent immediacy of the creative freedoms that come with being a stand-up, I jumped ship and committed myself to becoming a stand-up comedian with my milestone goal to one day play the Comedy Store.

Adam Bloom; Comedy hero and mentor.

I built my set minute by minute over years, I would turn down offers to do ten minutes spots because admittedly at the time I only had eight minutes worth of material. This honesty won me trust with promoters, it turns out such honesty is a rarity in this business. Over a number of years I performed over ten open spots (trials) at the Comedy Store. Sometimes I would have awesome gigs, sometimes I would get away with it, sometimes I would have bad ones, but I never managed to prove myself as reliable or seasoned enough to be considered for a professional role. It broke my heart, and sometimes I would take the night bus home after an open spot at the late show, thinking to myself that I would never become good enough for the Comedy Store. Even after I became a professional comic, performing full time at clubs around the country, even abroad and making a living out of this new vocation, I was still not a professional comic at the Comedy Store and I knew that I would never feel satisfied until I had made it there. I still wasn't good enough, I had to find a way to get even better, fine tune my skills and grow as a comic. I sought advice from the seasoned pros, learned to compere from the best hosts in the country, and received critical mentoring from Adam Bloom. I made that effort to become better because I had a goal; to play the Comedy Store, the home of my comedy dream.

Without that goal fixed firmly in my heart, I would never have made the effort and thus the progress as a comic. These days you can see me at the Comedy Store in London, Manchester and in Mumbai. Not only doing sets, but hosting as well, and as a guest with London's Cutting Edge team, who've taken me under their wing. Now, I get to work with all my comedy heroes and also learn from them, benefiting from their experience and tutelage as I work towards my next goal; to become bigger than Chris Rock...

"If that Imran Yusuf comes anywhere near me, I will drop kick a mofo!"

By the way, that video game dream isn't dead either... stay tuned...

Story of a Naive Optimist - Part 1 (Attitude)

2011-11-01T23:37:00.000Z

I just watched Will Smith's "The Pursuit of Happyness" for the second time and was inspired to write this blog. The first time I saw this film was on its UK release in the cinemas in 2007, at a time when I had started to build the foundation to my new life following a period of despair. Now, watching it in 2011, I realise how much my life has changed and in retrospect just how 'fast' it all appears to have happened.

I'll be 32 at the end of this month and although I am by legal definition; an "adult", I've managed to retain my inner child; a double-edged sword of naive optimism and unlimited imagination in the midst of adult responsibilities and regular trimming of pubic hair that never bothered me in my pre-pubscent youth.

As a kid, I was always dreaming of the infinite possibilities of what I could be and the adventures I could have. In my entire life, I've never been short for an answer of what I wanted to be when I grew up, there were too many options for my imagination and not enough time to be a professional Footballer and a Ghostbuster. When I wasn't scoring goals, I'd be busting ghosts. Childhood is a journey of invincibility, where our curiosity for life and desire for everything our minds could conjure easily became intentions for our adult lives of the future. However, soon enough the 'reality' of the world soon kicks in, and when attempt meets failure one too many times, coupled with discouragement from naysaying vultures that will soon hover over the carcass of your broken dreams, it's very easy to 'concede defeat' and start towing the line of doing whatever it takes to the pay the bills, fit in with everyone else and perhaps escape into a temporary sense of joy with intoxicants or that holiday you saved for as a reward from the job you hate.

I count myself as 'lucky' for having retained my naive optimism since childhood, as coupled with a total lack of any qualifications (okay, okay, I've got a GNVQ in Art & Design), I've had to rely on imagination and resourcefulness to get me where I am today instead of a certificate and a picture of me wearing that square hat you get when you graduate from university and straight into unemployment.

For the most part, being naively optimistic as an adult will result in a copious amount of ridicule from many others, who'll relish taking potshots at your ambitions, scoffing at your vain beliefs of skill, and laughing heartily when you fall on your face and fail. And you will fail, but it's whether or not you try again that separates those who concede defeat and those who grasp victory by punching the jaws of defeat as many times as it'll take. However, when your naive optimism meets sympathetic hearts and ears, the potency of your attitude reveals its nourishing qualities and strengthens your resolve and that of others who, like you, believe anything is possible. I once shared my dream to become a comedian with a colleague at work, to which he frowned and replied "It's okay to have dreams and ambitions, but I wouldn't put my money on ya". Fast forward a few years, I'm no longer testing video games on a rolling contract on minimum wage.

Attitude is where it all begins, the very foundation and fuel to living life at the speeds and heights you desire to achieve. As a nation, we're comparably very apathetic when compared to our American cousins, and this can be seen in our TV shows. Many American shows have an upbeat and positive vibe to them, whatever the jeopardy, Jack Bauer always attempted to save the day, and with no toilet breaks. We're never going to have total control over how our lives unfold, but we always have total control over our attitude. How we choose to emotionally and practically deal with a situation is entirely in our power, and even when faced with what feels like impossible odds, know that there are plenty of people in the world who overcome those odds with the right attitude.

Wherever you are in life, everything starts in your mind, and nothing beats an optimistic attitude.

Staying healthy at the Edinburgh Festival

2011-08-20T16:52:00.000+01:00

We're over the half way mark in Edinburgh, some have fallen to illness, sore throats and even bruised or broken hearts. Staying physically and mentally healthy during Edinburgh is quite a task whilst we peddle our performances for the entertainment of audiences and the critique of critics who may or may not like what they believe satiates their own diverted ambitions that became writing on the internet.

Being the eternal naive optimist that I am, I've kept a strong discipline in staying healthy through a combination of exercise, diet and positive thinking during this physically and mentally challenging time of the Edinburgh Festival, in which I have the added bonus feature of observing Ramadan.

So, allow me to share some of my health tips on how to keep in a great state during the festival -

1: EXERCISE
I keep my muscles ripped during the festival with a simple daily routine using the convenience of my bedroom door using the revolutionary Iron Gym, an exercise device that has been constructed from almost random bits of metal and compiled by a genius who figured out how to fix such equipment to a door frame without the need for drilling or planning permission.

Check the guns...

...now check the armour.

2: DIET
Despite having such a light frame which has made me the victim of casual insults from those who envy my lightening fast metabolism, I eat healthily during the festival, often switching between pasta, kebabs and Nando's, you know, the important food groups. In addition to this strict diet of carbohydrates and protein, I supplicate my meals with a daily routine of whey protein, Berocca and Seven Seas cod liver oil + multivitamins. This combination of food and drugs gives me loads of energy to burn, alongside my 9 tails chakra.

Berocca is sometimes like Senzu beans.

3: POSITIVE MINDSET
The Edinburgh Festival is the biggest arts festival in the world, however it is also a trade fair and the more astute business minded individuals will understand the importance of bringing a corporate professionalism to the table, one that I learnt from my many years in the video games business. Observing Ramadan always encourages me to remember how fortunate I am for what I have, and that the daylight hunger is only really a slight discomfort in the greater scope of the blessings and fortunes I have in my life. The attitude of gratitude is the first step to develop real wealth, then it's all about hard work, and I'm here to do my best, learn from my mistakes, become better and become the success I dream of becoming. Only a few years ago I was broke, feeling overwhelmed by the inadequacies in every area of my life and feeling way out of my depth as a comedian at this festival. All of that changed very fast because I had a very clear goal, developed a detailed strategy and took massive Anthony Robbins-style action.

"I'M RICH BIATCH!!"

If I can do it, you can do it. Break the rules, beat the system, become whatever you can dream...

Having a great time in Edinburgh

2011-08-15T17:55:00.001+01:00

Right now, I am in a delicate situation as I optimistically wait for my black socks to dry in time for my show which is just about over an hour from starting, however my Jack Bauer-esque realism knows that I'm going to have to go and buy a fresh pack if I am not to look like a numpty wearing black shoes with white socks this evening.

Apart from this wardrobe drama, I'm having a great time in Edinburgh, the show is going great, I've really hit my rhythm now and audiences are enjoying the show. A couple of four star reviews from the press and more importantly being stopped in the street by fans who love the show has already made this Edinburgh a rewarding experience, not to mention the secret stuff that is still to be announced... oh, and that I have discovered deep fried Mars bars.

I'm having loads of fun, here is an interview with me by a hawte chick from Ed Fest Magazine -

So far, so good, however a career in the comedy world is a long game, and I'm in it for life, so stay tuned and I'll prove that sometimes all you need is a lot of heart and that everything will be okay... even if your black socks still haven't dried yet! DATTEBAYO!

Attacked in Edinburgh

2011-08-13T04:08:00.001+01:00

I've just got back to my flat from a late night double deep fried Mars bar experience to find my flatmate and American comic; Chris Coxen with two black eyes after being attacked by a gang of 5-7 feral cunts.

I've also found out that comedian Mark Simmons has also been the victim of an attack, in which his money and phone were stolen, however his assailants were caught shortly after by the Police. In the four full festivals I have done, I have never heard of such violence, although a few years ago I once saw a violent drunkard get battered by security in Bristo Square after he punched fellow comic Paul McCaffrey for no reason.

Here we are at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, the biggest and oldest arts festival in the world, where artists, performers, musicians, comedians etc come to from all over the planet to share and celebrate their wares with audiences and industry. This event is an amazing example of human artistry and beauty, it is something that enriches our lives and embraces our divine virtues, this event is a time of joy. However, due to the wanton procreation and perpetuation of feral humanoids whose only manifesto is to destroy, this festival has been blighted for at least a couple of people whose enjoyment and efforts has been ruined by the predatory behaviour of a bunch of animals.

I'm sharing a flat with Chris, one of the nicest guys I've ever met, a true hard working gentlemen who came to the UK to pursue his dream to showcase his talents as a character comedian. This is his first full run at the Edinburgh Festival, he's put incredible effort, financial investment and made personal sacrifices to get here all the way from his home in Boston, Massachusetts, USA. And now his festival experience has been blighted by such an act of unwarranted violence. If you're in Edinburgh, it'd cheer him up if you check out his show; Chris Coxen's Space Clone Audition, Cabaret Voltaire @ 2:30pm. However, with his eye swollen up, he might not be around performing tomorrow.

If you're at the Edinburgh Festival, please beware during the late nights and be ready should any shithead try to attack you. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, and the good guys will prevail...

Peace x

London Riots & Edinburgh

2011-08-11T03:15:00.000+01:00

As I sit in my comfy Edinburgh flat during the pockets of Scottish sun that teases us before raining unabatedly with a biting cold that can only be escaped by entering one of the various shows that cook the audience and performers like an oven thanks to Britain's inability to invest in air-conditioning, London and now the rest of England is being engulfed by riots that have blighted the lives of so many with violence and looting.

As opinions get bandied around social networking sites, what has become apparent is that the advantages, privileges and the blessing it is to live in the civilised world has become all too blurred with the developing nations and civil unrests we are used to seeing in other countries, as our country comes to a standstill whilst we watch and suffer at the hands of mobs of thugs, thieves and general epic product failures of human copulation.

I could go on for ever with a massive dissection of these events, but there is already enough news out there for everyone to deal with, so I am going to put it as bluntly as this -

In the world, there are a contingent of people who are easily identified not by a genetic or ideological qualities, but by the hallmark of bellend-ed-ness that constitutes their behaviour as massive wastes of space. Most people are actually quite cool, able to get along with one another, who go about their lives in relative peace learning about the world they live in and enjoying the company of everyone else with whom they share friendships, all of whom try and contribute something meaningful through their vocation and the way they go about their lives. Sound like you? Of course it does, that's why you're reading this blog, because you CAN read and if you're reading my blog, you're most probably not a specimen of bipedal mammalians whose diet consists of chemically-laced fried poultry substitute that is often accompanied by chips in a box that can feed an entire family of feral gremlins born from the illicit union of a whirlwind romance that occurred behind a school bike shed. If that sounded like a sweeping statement against a certain socio-economic demographic, it is, all people conceived behind school bike sheds are trouble. Their parents should have had some decency and go to a Travelodge, like everyone else does.

However, it's not all doom and gloom, especially here in rainy Edinburgh where the rays of artistic hopes and dreams perforate the clouds of grey and pepper the streets with flyers and posters that entice you to partake in one of the many millions of performances to tickle your funny bone or induce you to stroke your chin to tales of whimsy involving badgers and jam. I am performing my second solo show Bring The Thunder at the Pleasance Courtyard every day @ 7pm, and today things got off to a good start with a lovely FOUR STAR review from the Telegraph -

Click here for the The Telegraph Review

Then I got a call inviting me to two very nice telly opportunities and then I finally hit my rhythm at my solo show, after a week of trying to manage the energy in the room in the best way possible. Playing Edinburgh audiences can be a little tricky for a relative up and coming comic like me, an Edinburgh audience can often be so receptive that any attempt to chat to them at the start of the show can backfire as they often just want the comic to get on with the show and do material. Having gleaned this from the awkward opening minute I had endured in the first week, I now came out guns blazing, straight into my set, which proved to be the best thing to do. Now that I've found my rhythm, the rest of this festival will be a lot more fun, then onwards and upwards to the very exciting projects I have in store for the foreseeable future.

Also, a certain someone told me that they miss me...

The Comedy Store, Mumbai, India.

2011-06-11T03:58:00.001+01:00

The Comedy Store now have a state of the art, brand new venue in the country of the fastest growing economy in the world. Yes, that's right, English speaking comedy has come to India!

The most famous brand of stand-up comedy club in the world has come to Mumbai, not only as a comedy club, but as a bar, restaurant and club for party goers. Situated in a very nice shiny shopping mall all the way on the top floor sits the new comedy club with the familiar branding and set-up of the London and Manchester clubs in England. Run by British owners, yet the staff are mostly Indian and extremely helpful and polite, sometimes it feels like being treated like a celebrity.

I've only been here a few days and it is my first time in India, and it is probably the first time anyone from my family alive today has spent any time in the country since my Great Grand Father took the entire family and left for East Africa all those years ago. I have some heritage here, but only a little, most of my family has been in East Africa for a long time now and they consider that as home. I spend most of my time in the hotel, which is very nice, and spend my time chilling with the other comics, eating, going to the gym, swimming in the pool and trying not to evaporate into thin air in the sauna.

Mumbai is growing, the divide between rich and poor is sharp. The affluent and poor are so easily definable by such a visible contrast, and the inherent prejudices that come with such paradigms of identity also mean that the poor are prevented from even entering the mall. Whilst many have jobs and can afford a life that many of us in Britain take for granted, the poor must simply work for food or die. As we drive towards the gig, we pass the millions of people who live here, some of them taking the train, some of them working in shacks that can sell you shoes for £2, repair your computer or even cut your hair in the street! The worst off are the vendors who squat for hours, even in the torrential rain of India's monsoon season, selling fruit, vegetables, or mass produced items like combs. Sometimes I notice that if I smile and say 'Hello' to any of the cleaning staff in the hotel or in the mall, they are shocked that I am even talking to them. There is no welfare here like we have at home, you simply have to hustle for a living, and if you're lucky enough to be born into the right family, it can make the difference between living in poverty or living the conventional lives that many of us can easily attain at home in Britain. It's not all doom though, it'll pass to some degree one day. As India continues to grow as the fastest growing economy in the world, all eyes are on this part of the world and on China as the next big thing. So if you;re reading this, it might be a good time to learn Urdu/Hindi and Mandarin. Or ladies, marry an Asian guy.... ;-p

The gig itself is AWESOME! Indian audiences love English speaking comedy, they understand 99% of our British references, they love international politics, they love naughty comedy (sex), but they don't do blasphemy here, which is a bit of a relief because sometimes on the British circuit, that topic seems to be over saturated with a real hate. However, the local rivalry here in Mumbai is with anything to do with Pakistan, which can come off somewhat potentially as perceived racism in a way, but this is all new to me as I am experience brown on brown prejudices in the homeland of brownness. What is very intriguing though is that Indian audiences LOVE having their accent mocked. I've seen the fantastic Simon Bligh and Paul Tonkinson talk about their experiences in India, mimicking the local accent to a very receptive Indian audience who applaud such comedy. It's all in good nature, more observational than mockery really, it's hilarious to watch British comics and Indian audiences celebrate their difference in such a way that has never seen the light of day anywhere else before!

The audiences are 99% Indian, with the rare appearance of a European or specifically of a fellow Brit who chimes in on the British references and allows me to feel more at home as a result. There is often a local Indian open spot act who does about 7 mins before the closing act. These guys are good, they work hard and do their comedy in English and the audience love them just as much. I sit at the back of the room after my set and watch the show from the audience's perspective, and it is such a joy. Everyone is their to have a good time, not to get drunk and heckle. All the acts get a lot of love and when Indians laugh, they really go for it. I couldn't help but feel that this is what comedy is all about and that all comedy clubs should be exactly like this.

I've been freestyling my sets a little, using various routines from the bank of material I have built up over the years, and also pepper my sets with asides in Urdu, which always go down a storm here. It's early days, I'm just into my first weekend and there is more to come, so I am enjoying the experience and writing loads of new material as a result.

So, yes, I am having a great time. I've wanted to play he Comedy Store since I was a teenager and now about 15 years later I have made it not only to the Wembley of comedy; which is the Comedy Store in London, but to the brand new one in India that is bringing something new to the masses in a live environment exactly like the original Comedy Store did in London over 30 years ago and changed the face of live comedy for ever.

My brand new TV pilot on BBC3!

2011-06-07T01:12:00.000+01:00

I am excited to reveal that after what seems an age in negotiations, discussions and planning, that I shall be embarking on a new journey as the host of my very own TV show pilot on BBC3.

Here's a more official-sounding announcement -

His self-titled show will feature a mix of stand up, sketches and animation, based around the comedian and his previous job as a games developer.

BBC Three boss Zai Bennett has commissioned the show from independent production house Brown Eyed Boy.

Its managing director Gary Reich said Yusuf was ‘one of the most dynamic, passionate and hardest working comics in the country today’.

He told Broadcast: ‘We’re grateful to BBC3 for once more putting new and emerging talent at the forefront of their ambitions.’

This is all very exciting, especially since I've now got a broader platform upon which to communicate my ideas, especially since I am quite the visual comic and the fact that my previous life in the video games business would be perfect for the opportunity of the televisual box of wonders. I am over the moon with this shot at telly and I vow to make the BEST TV SHOW EVER with great new characters that will take you on a roller coaster ride through my crazy comedy world, all hosted by me with the kind of stand-up comedy my fans love. It's going to be a unique fusion of all the influences in my life and yet be a very original British comedy that will appeal to many people for many different reasons. Whilst I was on tour, I noticed that my audiences were incredibly mixed. Watching what appeared to be skinheads sitting and laughing alongside girls in hijabs, and the old ladies bopping their heads to my pre-show music of Eric B & Rakim, I realised that I can truly communicate something with broad appeal, and if I can do anything to build bridges, then all the better.

Now, I better get some sleep, I'm flying to India tomorrow and then eventually back to the UK to put the finishing touches to my Edinburgh show ahead of the upcoming festival. The announcement of the new show is imminent, stay tuned!

Things I am looking forward to this year...

2011-06-06T01:03:00.001+01:00

Hello lovely fans (and haters who read this because they have nothing better to do)!

I'm finally done with my tour, two months of intense travelling and performing have come to a close as I now prepare to fly to India and perform at The Comedy Store in Mumbai. It's been quite exhausting, but I've had loads of fun meeting my actual fans; the wide diverse array of people who come to my shows, whose presence has been a testament to the beauty of our multicultural and actually well integrated society in which comedy has been a bonding experience for us all. Yes, that's right, some of us are getting along and loving life, whilst haters continue to hate and live in the insular microcosm of their own misery. Feel free to join us, you only need to bring your own smile!

I know it's been a while since I updated my blog, in fact, Osama Bin Laden had to make the headlines to get me writing last time, but this time it's for me and you :-)

I am incredibly busy, my career is going from strength to strength like Goku from DragonBall Z in which he increasingly powers up over several episodes before putting the bad guy to rest. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you what I am looking forward to this year -

Comedy Store Mumbai
My favourite gig in the world has opened up a club in Mumbai, India and I am going to perform there as of this week for two weeks in total. I've heard that it is meant to be an awesome gig, where British comedy is being lapped up by the Indians who enjoy their accents being mocked. Also, I believe I may be the first British Asian to play the gig, so it should be a nice surprise for the locals should I slip in a few Urdu/Hindi bits. With India being one of the fastest growing economies thanks to outsourcing call centre contracts, cost-effective labour and definitely not the rise of corner shops. However, fellow comics have told me of the poverty they witnessed, which sits right outside the affluence of the developments that grow right in front of destitute people. This was too much for some comics to stomach, and so I naturally fear how I might react when I see it myself. I've seen it before though, in East Africa and during my travels in the middle east, where the poor have nowhere near the opportunity of welfare or any assistance. Expect to hear more about this on my blog whilst I am out there.

E3 - Unveiling of Project: Cafe
I am a massive Nintendo fan, I have been since I was a kid with my 8bit NES and copy of Super Mario Bros. I love playing video games, and when I'm not pwning n00bs on Xbox Live (or being verbally abused by American kids who hate the British), I'm often on my Nintendo DS revisiting Phantom Hourglass recently. Whilst I am in India, Nintendo will (may) reveal the very first official news of their next home console supposedly dubbed "Stream" or "Project: Cafe". Apparently it is more powerful than PS3 and Xbox 360 and will come with a more conventional controller albeit with a touch screen that can have the game streamed straight to the controller. As long as I get my Mario, Zelda, Metroid etc, I'm happy. Also, the new Mario 3DS will be revealed, and that is going to be AWESOME and you know it. I've still got to get a 3DS, but will wait for Mario Kart, Mario 3DS and RE5 before I do.

Edinburgh Festival
With my tour now done, "An Audience with Imran Yusuf" is last year's news. So prepare yourself for my brand new solo show which will debut in Edinburgh this year in August. What is the show called? Where in Edinburgh will it be? What is the show about? I hear you ask, but I am keeping it a secret for now, all details are about to be revealed very, very soon. However, if you like my upbeat positivity, then you'll love this show ;-) It'll be Ramadan during the festival again this year, however this time I am not trying to beat my 101 gigs in 25 days record!

TV project
Erm... this is kinda secret for now, but rest assured you will get to see my wiry frame and silly face on TV again, I'll even send you tickets if you sign up to my mailing list on my website!

Another TV project
Erm... another secret for now, but here is a teaser of who I was working with recently -

Say what you see!

Radio
I've already done a number of spots on BBC Radio 4. The Now Show with Punt & Dennis and Rory Bremner. The News Quiz with Sandi Toksvig, and Arthur Smith's Balham Bash. Expect to hear more of me there as you can over here - www.youtube.com/imranyusufcomedy

Right, that's enough for now, this will keep me busy for a while. Along with buying a new place in a swish part of London and nurturing my newly formed life of creativity and joy with a loved one, all of the above will add to the journey I am on towards the life I desire to live and the fulfilment I wish to experience. Remember, anything is possible and there is always a way to win!

Osama Bin Laden is dead

2011-05-02T05:40:00.003+01:00

Yep, you read it right, Mr Bin Laden of Al-Qaeda fame, credited for numerous US embassy bombings, two attacks on the WTC, previously trained and equipped by the CIA, is dead after an operation by US soldiers in a mansion in Pakistan.

Sprung into somewhat celebrity-styled infamy as America's Most Wanted after 9/11, it's apparent from the public reaction that a massive sense of relief is being enjoyed. So, I thought I'd take this opportunity to look back over the last ten years and recall my experiences of life post-9/11.

On 11th September 2001, I was working for Midway Games, an American video games publisher whose European office was based in the upmarket end of High Street Kensington. I was the token Muslim guy in the office, I was young and afraid of girls, which my fellow female colleagues thought was hilarious and perhaps somewhat cute. I was naive, enthusiastic and had ambitions to one day work for Nintendo in Japan. During the early afternoon, a man walked into the office I was in and said "Have you heard? Someone's just flown a plane into the World Trade Centre". It was quite odd that someone who worked in a neighbouring office and not from Midway Games would walk into my office to tell me something like that, also in my head I imagined that his comment meant that some idiot in a two seater glider had flown into the antennae and probably just injured or killed himself. I mean, who'd fly a plane into a building on purpose? Who could even get that far with all the radar coverage in the air anyway?

For the first few minutes, there was a laughable buzz in the office of our American company as we imagined this to be a civilian accident. Suddenly, things went cold. As I heard of a second plane going into the second tower, I ran over to the Finance Manager to tell her what I heard. As I ran in there still thinking it was all a big accident, I saw the look on her face as she grabbed the phone to speak to her family in the USA. Now I started to realise that it wasn't some accident, but that there was some kind of attack happening in the USA. With the world now going chaotic, we still had work to do and today was critical as our prize game for Xmas 2001; Spy Hunter was in Sony submission and we needed to get it approved.

After work I went to the gym where there was a TV in the changing rooms, and that's when I saw the very first pictures of what had happened to the WTC. It was no accident, something big had happened, and it was really, really bad. Deep in my gut, I started to fear that these attacks may have been orchestrated by some Islamic-related group or something and that this would be the beginning of some really bad anti-Islamic sentiment. I was right, and the world changed in a very horrible way for ever.

The last 10 years have been interesting. Fears, prejudice, religion, paranoia, introspection have been probably more pertinent than ever before, at least they have been for me. I remember that every time I would get on a train with a bag, the looks I would get. If I felt that people were afraid, I would open my bag and take a book out, then I'd see people around me easing up. Once, whilst standing at London Bridge Tube, a young chav-type saw me, turned to his friend and said "nah mate, terrorism" and then walked further away to another carriage. Every time I would go through an airport, a smarmy security official who wishes he was Jack Bauer would always give me hassle, my name and image was enough to set off paranoia and give some school drop-out with a badge a reason to feel that he was checking me as a potential terror threat. With nothing to hide, I'd let them do their job and always be polite, even though the patronising tone of their voice would always remind me that I would forever be the target of discrimination and profiling in this bellend-ed world of idiot human retards. I could share some more examples, but you get my drift.

Right now, as I write this, I am watching the BBC News feed of a jubilant crowd outside the White House, rejoicing over the news that Osama Bin Laden is dead. And although this is meant to be "good" news, I can't help but fear that it'll be a catalyst for the ignorant and violent factions of society on all sides to demonstrate how epically stupid they are by doing something that will further fan the flames of hate.

I guess we'll have to see what happens next, but I think we can all agree that we can do with some respite from all this fear, whether it be legitimate or mongered.

On tour, baby!!

2011-04-18T03:02:00.000+01:00

Backstage at Hemel Hempstead before the show.

Hello my loyal followers!

I'm currently on tour with my fantabulous support act Jason Patterson (@jpattersoncomic), and the touring lifestyle is proving to be a lot of fun and a challenge with all the travelling required. We often drive into a new town or city a few hours before a show, get ready, perform, meet the fans after the show and then drive back to London (when we're not staying over when further afield). It's like this, day in, day out, and the days all blur together and the sense of time seems to blur along with it all.

We're having a great time, the turnouts have been great, a few venues have sold out, and some have had enormous walk ups too. We're not even half way through yet and it already feels like I've been away for months! On the couple of days that we're not on tour, I am often back in London having meetings and writing for the next solo show which will be announced soon, so stay tuned.

I get all suited and booted for my shows, which the girls seem to adore ;-) and all the venues have been so much fun to play. It's such a thrill to be on tour, it's so different to playing a comedy club and being part of a bill, where it's all about the team work and sometimes having to win over tough crowds. Many fans have asked me for merchandise, of which there is none for this tour. But rest assured, the Imran Yusuf paraphernalia is on the way with a DVD coming to you one day soon!

Things are really taking off, there are lots of exciting things to reveal very soon as I continue to ascend in the comedy world towards my dream of creating something really special. I'll endeavour to update this blog more often now, with updates from the tour when we're on the road. For now, stay tuned to my Facebook Fan Page and follow me on Twitter (@imranyusuf) for the latest updates.

Okay, bedtime now, I have loads of meetings tomorrow and then dinner with some old friends from the video games industry. Sweet dreams! :-)

Japan

2011-03-12T18:51:00.004Z

Right now, I am royally fucked off on a scale of epic proportions.

It has been brought to my attention that many a Facebook status update and Twitter feeds are replete with individuals who believe it is acceptable to say the earthquake in Japan is a deserved calamity and a payback for Pearl Harbour.

You might be entitled to your opinion and all that, but please find yourself to exercise the freedoms you enjoy to kindly go and fuck yourself.

The advent of the internet has allowed human beings to communicate in a way unprecedented in recorded human history. And even though big brother might be watching you and intruding on your privacy, the internet has also been the Achille's heel of the all seeing eyes when Wikileaks handed their arses to them with leaked footage of all kinds of inhumanity and deceit practised by those whom the power of money, politics or weapons has corrupted. However, it seems that even the greatest of communication tools can be used by the everyday bellend to say hurtful and inhumane things at a time when countless innocent civilians have died in a natural disaster.

I saw this from someone on Twitter - http://apina.biz/39128.jpg

It is disgusting that anyone would think that such a disaster and loss of human life is an event to rejoice over in the memory of Pearl Harbour. I could go into detail over the folly of such a stance by mentioning the two atomic bombs that were dropped on Japan, but I won't, and instead I shall say this -

If anyone in the world thinks that their nationality or religious group is innocent and noble, needs to pull their heads out of their own arsehole. No country, no kind of politics is free from the stain and shame of exploiting and murdering people in the masses to become the powers they are today, none, not one. What was once genocide, became a reservation or a ghetto. What was once slavery, became indentured labour. Every one of us who lives in the "first world" indirectly benefits from the past and continued exploitation of the "third world", and although none of us can profess to be saints, we can at least acknowledge it and show some humility for the affluent lives we live. I know many will not agree with this, but every fibre of my being is ripping this keyboard to shreds in the anger I feel for the hatred some people have shown towards what has happened in Japan.

If you really feel that this earthquake if payback for Pearl Harbour, then don't expect any sympathy if the Native American Indians ever got their hands on a nuclear weapon and found it acceptable to "never forget" what they lost many moons ago.

For the rest of us, we'll think, pray and donate towards helping the people of Japan, because if there is anything this platform of communication has given us, it is the power to readily exercise our compassion and support for other human beings.

Gabby tells me a joke

2011-03-11T19:20:00.000Z

Recently, I did a gig at Leeds University for Under:Stand:Up, a collaboration by the students from the university's Jewish Society, Christian Union and Islamic Society. It was great fun, and it was awesome to see such efforts being made to bring communities together and students befriending one another through this event.

After the show, this young lady offered to tell me a joke, so I caught her moment of glory in this amazing, ground-breaking video of revolutionary hilarity unseen in all human history. Prepare yourselves...

Immaturity FTW!

2011-03-10T00:57:00.000Z

Often under the pretext of working on new projects, my time descends into immature chaos when I am with my friends. During a development session, my friends and I accidentally got sidetracked by the hilarious Farting Preacher on YouTube.

Yes, that's right, these are grown men laughing at farts, and we like it!

What team do you support?

2011-03-06T23:51:00.001Z

Football; the world's greatest sport, the sport that God intended man to play, often mispronounced as "Soccer" because some tongues roll an "S" off when trying to pronounce an "F" sound. England; home of Football. Where it was invented, developed and made into an international business. And in true English sporting fashion; shared with the rest of the world who would go on to do it better ;-p

Like most young boys in England, I too grew up fascinated by the world of professional Football. I grew up watching Football on the TV, be it live, highlights on Match of The Day or desperately seeking the latest scores in non-televised games via the primitive internet that was Teletext. I played Football at school during playtime, in the playground in which the rules were slightly bent as we never had boundaries or off-sides, and often employed the services of an extra goalkeeper which was permitted by the imaginary power of "pop in" or "scramble" goalies. Like most boys at the time, I dreamt of being a professional Football player for both my club and country. When I was 9 years old, Football was the most important thing in the world, now that I had grown up and given up on my original dream to become a Ghostbuster.

Busting made me feel good...

...but scoring goals made me feel even better.

Although I've lived in London most of my life, I grew up supporting Liverpool FC, even though to this day I have never been to Anfield. Yes, I grew up supporting a team to which I have no real affiliation other than they were really good when I was a kid, and so I was a bit of a glory hunter. But then so were ALL the kids in my school. However, I did go to watch Wealdstone FC games when I was a kid as their stadium used to be right around the corner from where I used to live.

I watched Liverpool win the league in the 1989-1990 season, I was proud and stuck by my team even though the following year Kenny Dalglish left during the FA Cup Quarter Final replay against Everton, after which Liverpool descended into chaos until Graeme Souness came to the rescue and led the mighty Reds to FA Cup victory against Sunderland in the summer of 1992. I was also the first kid in my school to own the official 1990 England World Cup Squad jersey and I would wear it with pride on weekends, mufty day and even on Eid.

When a new boy joined our class, all the other boys first reaction was to ask "What team do you support?", followed by what position they played and then we'd ask what their name was. That's the way it was done. We didn't care about the colour of your skin, it was the colour of your team's jersey that mattered most.

Then I went to live in America, where I was robbed of my Englishness and called "Muffin" every day. No access to Match of The Day or Teletext, I lost touch with English Football and was victimised by my American school chums for my accent (which the girls liked) and because at 12-13 years old I was a mere 5ft tall compared to my cholesterol-engineered peers who were much larger and actively attracting smaller planets into the orbit of their nacho-munching faces. Then in the summer of 1993, England came to the USA to play in a friendly, and finally I thought I was going to have my moment of victory and rubbing it into the face of my Yankee friends. But no, it seems that life had conspired to humiliate me yet again as we lost 2-0. I got on the school bus the next day to a roar of laughter, I dipped my head a found a seat somewhere in the back and sulked.

When I came back to England, a lot had changed. Puberty had set in and I now had hair in funny places and I had seen Jurassic Park months before it had come out in the UK and as a result could do this impression of a dinosaur that I would use to chase my little cousins around the house. Having been removed from the English Football culture, I was no longer in touch with it all. Although I love to play Football, the withdrawal at such a age totally wiped me of any interest in following the game any more, especially since now I had gotten a Super Nintendo with Street Fighter 2. These days I only watch Football if England are playing, this is because Football and patriotism to me go hand in hand. I get really annoyed when friends of mine say they 'support Brazil' though neither having ever been there or having any Brazilian affiliation whatsoever. Bobby Robson's England squad of 1990 was the best, it's not been the same since then.

They don't make em' like they used to...

iPad Zero unveiled!

2011-03-03T05:30:00.004Z

iPad Zero, it was inevitable.

Here it is, the shiny new iPad Zero, the cost-effective prequel destined for eager children in developing nations and the financially challenged in the post-credit crunch apocalypse of the west.

Revealed at some random digital technology conference in San Diego or something, Apple President; Steve Jobs was proud to present his latest device to a packed out auditorium of gullible fans with too much money to spend. As cameras flashed, nerdy voices dictated the descriptions of this latest groundbreaking technology into their dictaphones and jotted down their thoughts to blog online to the eager fans on the outside who couldn't watch the event being streamed live on their original iPad thanks to the Adobe Flash plugin that was required.

The iPad Zero features -

* Limited reams of pages, can be written upon with almost any pen or pencil device (sold separately).
* Ring bound wire technology to keep all pages secure, also permits easy turning thanks to circular ring design.
* Feint lined pages offers guidance for writing in straight lines.
* Automatic landscape mode provides 16:9 view for illustration purposes.
* Video feature in bottom right or left of page provides frame by frame animation flick book.
* Share your documents with friends and family even if they don't have an iPad Zero, by ripping the page off and giving it to them.
* Airplane mode allows Users to create paper airplanes and throw them around the room.
* Fits in the palm of your hand and weighs next to nothing.
* Latest "no battery" technology means that all documents are saved permanently and the iPad Zero can be used at any time and will never need to be charged.

The iPad Zero will ship immediately and will come in two versions; the 30 page "Lite" version ($499), and the 100 page "Smug amateur novelist" version ($7999).

Reservations have already begun and it's hotly tipped to be the top Ramadan gift of 2011, reserve yours now and be the envy of all your friends.

You can't make it up!

2011-02-27T14:29:00.003Z

I am writing this blog on the train back to London after my first weekend at the Comedy Store in Manchester, because something hilarious has just happened that I want to share with you all and try to include into my set.

I got to Manchester Piccadilly Station and saw that the next train to Euston was leaving within one minute, I decided not to run to the platform and instead wait for the next one which was only about 15 minutes later. I purchased a healthy veggie baguette from Upper Crust and then made my way to my train, getting there early enough to secure myself a table and get my brunch set-up along with my laptop, so I could be creative and satiate my appetite. I was lucky to get a table, but that's what happens when you're the early bird. I checked the electronic display above the table and all seats were displayed as "AVAILABLE". Comfortable and smug, fortune had obviously smiled upon me today, all was good in my world.

Suddenly, a loud voice boomed from beyond the aether, a voice claiming to be the "Train Manager", he who control the dominion of the train, who sets it forth in motion for all mankind to traverse the rails and see the world (country). I couldn't see this "Train Manager", I could only hear his voice as he bellowed to those of us who dwell upon the passenger plane of the train, that the signs of "AVAILABLE" were false, a lie concocted by his arch nemesis, the diabolical electronic computer devil. The "Train Manager" warned us of a day when those with "Reservations" would appear, wielding divine tablets of right to their promised seats because they ascribed to the religion of the train and had chosen to buy their tickets online. As we trembled before the mighty booming voice of he who controls the train, I prepared myself for the event that I may be asked to leave my comfortable life at the seat, which I had sequestered myself into, enjoying the relative peace of a table and electric socket.

Then it happened...

...I had to give up my seat to a family of Hasidic Jews.

I almost burst out laughing, it was divine comedy genius at work. Sure, it would've been funnier if I were actually a Palestinian, but this is good enough for me. I thought about protesting and saying, "But I was here first" as witnessed by the other passengers, but sure enough the divine tablets of truth that are the tickets would prove otherwise when the booming voice told us that the reservation system was broken.

I'm now sitting in another part of the train, without a table or electric socket, along with all the other displaced passengers, in Hamas style talks... ;-p

Beauty is skin deep, but happiness is as deep as your pocket

2011-02-22T00:47:00.015Z

We all know how the media is blamed for creating and supporting unrealistic, shallow and pretentious standards of beauty that young girls are often enough duped into believing are normal via the various influences of print, TV, celebrities and peer pressure that lines the pockets of the purveyors of all things pretty. The fallout includes girls who may develop eating disorders, paranoia, ridiculous levels of envy or jealousy and in some unfortunate circumstances, a depression so severe that it puts lives in danger.

I've seen adverts for cosmetic surgery on the London Underground, almost exclusively aimed at women to entice any woman into various procedures at a reputable clinic in London. However, not everyone agrees with such advertising or of such a service and have gone to war defacing these adverts with stickers that discredit the nature of the advertising and somewhat trying to empower the women who might consider cosmetic surgery.

It's somewhat relieving to see such a response when you consider we live in constant bombardment of buying into unrealistic and pretentious standards of appearance if we are to expect being accepted by others and finding any love. I'm sure there are some who will attest to the benefits of such a service and how it transformed their lives for the better, but as with anything, moderation is always something to consider as extremes of even what you may think is a good thing can totally backfire.

FAIL

Amidst all this, the other side of the coin is often overlooked. Men too can be victims of unrealistic and pretentious standards of manly significance by the media. Where the concept of what is beauty, sexy and attractive is used to exploit women, the reasons to why beautiful women would want to be with men are set by the same agenda to exploit men in our quest to find a woman that will accept us.

In a nutshell, the media portrays examples in which a man must have wealth, resources or power as the primary and ultimate deciding factor that will decide as to his ability to "win the woman" that he desires and that in effect, beauty can be purchased. Before I further explain, take a look at the following and let's judge them at face value -

Exhibit: A

The three examples above clearly show women who are "categorically beautiful" through both their genetics and cosmetic styling as the lawful wives and lovers of men that are clearly primarily regarded for their wealth, resource or power; traits which they have likely earned through hard work or obtained by inheritance. In an even smaller nutshell, money is power. At least that is the initial perceived value inferred by these examples. So, it at least appears to men that a hot woman is on the cards provided we can obtain the power of money. And so the first part of the brainwash begins...

In the pursuit of love, the examples of how to win a woman's love in Hollywood movies are as spectacular in concept as the special effects of the movies in which they are set.

Exhibit: B

Why does the sexy Megan Fox fall for the clumsy insecure boy Shia Labeouf in the film Transformers?

Was it his eloquent, charming and generous nature?

No, not at all. All the reasons are purely materialistic in which he gains power.

Like his flashy new car...

That just happens to be a transforming warrior alien robot from another planet that he's best friends with...

Never once in the film are the intrinsic values of love and trust developed between the characters whilst shot after shot of vehicle product placement gets in the way of a believable love story about the insecure nerd inside many men that manages to get all the action and poon he can get his sweaty paws onto after he stumbles into a intergalactic friendship which bestows upon him an amazing car and immense powers in the form of a team of robots.

The same formula is used in Spider Man, where another insecure nerd gets the girl. Not because of the virtue of his character, but because he has super powers. In reality, anyone with such a mutation would be dangerous to procreate with and it'd creep people out that they might sprout additional eyes and appendages to start resembling an arachnid, which invariably freaks girls out. But not in this case, because the super powered nobility of this masked hero, is an attractive quality.

Even in Superman returns, the relationship is between Superman and Lois Lane, not Clark Kent. Furthermore, in Superman Returns, it becomes apparent that Lois Lane carried Superman's child and then conned another man into raising him when Superman flies off into outer space on a sabbatical from playing a modern day Jesus in red pants. When he returns, he doesn't stick around to raise him, he leaves her with her idiot sap of a husband to raise a half-Kryptonian child that can impale people with pianos. Lois Lane would rather have sex with aliens than with humans and she is an irresponsible lying slag.

These are the examples set to men, these are the examples we are surreptitiously brainwashed with. Examples of incredible wealth and unrealistic powers to which we try to live up to in order to be good enough to have love in our lives from women who lust for nothing other than men who have wealth and power. Men are forever given a standard of extraordinary significance to try and achieve. And just when we get anywhere close to it, this ridiculousness happens...

Nowadays girls like these hunky vampires bad boys whose entire existence is based in the occult and the relative evil of youthful immortality at the expense of feeding on the fears and blood of others. Another level of impossibility to achieve, one definitely not worth trying to live up to, even if you get yourself a six pack, put on emo/goth makeup and bite a woman in the neck. Don't do it, seriously, just don't do it.

With all this falsehood, materialism and pretension rife in our society, can we let it go now please? Of course not, and as long as we let the concept of beauty and worth be controlled by a greedy agenda of brainwashers, we'll forever be at the mercy of advertising, fear and the price tags that come with our aspiration to be good enough.

Although, sometimes the magnificent and mysterious force that is life does something that makes you think that perhaps just love is all you need...

Love; it somehow manages to transcend all the manufactured concepts that society imposes us to believe in.

Apocalypse Now in Brum

2011-02-20T03:33:00.000Z

Right now, Kai Humphries and I are sitting in the hotel bar of the Holiday Inn in Birmingham, witness to about 8 adults, all friends who have just had a massive domestic dispute about whose fault it was in getting them kicked out of a club they've just returned from.

Kai and I were enjoying a post-gig kebab in the hotel bar whilst watching a repeat of Harry Hill's TV Burp. All was going well as we laughed at Harry's antics and talked about comedy and life stuff, all was well in our world. Then, out of nowhere a group of people entered quite raucously and sat next to us, despite there being acres of space available. For some reason, peaceful people are magnets for belligerent bellends. The group have sat down and seemed to be okay for the most part, albeit a bit too loud and disturbing the peace Kai and I had been enjoying.

It's suddenly become apparent that they had been kicked out from a club for the particular actions of one of there group, which happened to be a girl. Now that the blame has been pinned on her, she flipped out at her friends in a torrent of pathetic adult emotional recklessness as her male friend shouted blame at her akin to the kind of domestic abuse reserved for straight-to-TV movies about muscly evil men and persevering women who choose the bad boy over the nice guy, because logic refuses to be absorbed by their 21st century maverick independence.

It's calmed down now, but it's ruined the fun Kai and I were enjoying, although we're laughing about it under our breaths, sharing cheeky looks at each other as it all escalated whilst I record the audio on my phone, tweet about it and blog about it on my laptop right behind them only a few feet away. Thanks to Gary Delaney for welcoming tweet - @kaihumphries @imranyusuf Welcome to Birmingham!

What I've learnt from this all is that adults might look different from children, but little actually changes in life as we just continue to succumb to other forms of emotional manipulation from wanting toys, friends and acceptance, to more expensive material trappings, more friends and more acceptance and recognition. And after this screaming and almost violent spectacle amongst drunken friends, it's apparent to me that human beings will fail to make the most of life, because the majority of emotionally insecure space cadets with no conflict-resolution skills other than shouting and fighting, will be keeping human progress stymied by about 400%, or at the very least ruining our peaceful post-gig kebab experience.

Human culling anyone?

All you have to do...

2011-02-11T03:26:00.000Z

Gave up trying to be famous,
hit the road for a year and a half,
wrote Bring The Pain, job done.

I'm back in the grind, back to gigging across the country and sometimes beyond amidst writing for various projects and all the exciting things that come with the goal of trying to become "bigger than Chris Rock". I've got my work cut out for myself this year, I have to prepare a brand new hour for Edinburgh, a show in which I must deliver something special if I am to live up to all the hype of my last show, which was okay despite being void of an actual dinosaur impression or the infamous "Bollywood Jaws".

I love being a stand-up comedian, however, stand-up comedy is a business and I must deliver so that the arts trade fair that is the Edinburgh Festival puts me in the premium section of the comedy supermarket; a clever metaphorical retailer of humorous shenanigans whose description bodes well for the festival reviewer partial to the whimsical universe of badgers who have a penchant for jam products. The preceding sentence is an industry inside-joke, revealed to you by Wikileaks in an effort to subterfuge the pretentious insularity of those think they know it all.

Again, I love being a stand-up comedian, I love my craft because not only is it so much amazing fun to have a vocation to bring humour and joy to an audience, but also because being a stand-up comedian is intertwined into my own personal philosophy of having ambition and pursuing a dream that brings people together. Forever the naive optimist, even when I try to be negative or fall into bouts of pessimism, a hardwired reflex to secretly work hard and hope for the best overrides any evidence of the impossible and forces me to step forward into the unknown and do what I have to do. Because of this, I feel that I have truly found my calling. And apart from the set-up and punchlines, apart from the silly faces and animated flailing limbs of a body popping praying mantis, the jokes in my set are simple passing attractions upon a journey of a much more important vision that I want to share.

Ever get the sneaking suspicion that your life is not just for going to work, eating burgers and then dying?

I learnt from Anthony Robbins that all life does is grow. We grow and then we die, but in the journey of growth, there are so many amazing things to experience and share, that embracing this is the source of true joy in life. Like the plants that adorn this planet, sustaining the food chain and permitting us to breathe clean air, we too must flourish by embracing our purpose. The fortune of the human being is the consciousness that inquires into the possibilities of how we can sculpt our lives and and our world. It appears though that very few of us choose to have this perspective, instead falling into line of the system in which we learn to regurgitate facts from text books, go to work to make just enough money to live from, whilst the system skims off your efforts and then takes those profits and does as it pleases with them, like building a moat around an MP's house or funding a war with combatants that it armed in the first place. Perhaps Qui Gon Jinn should've left Anakin on Tatooine.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist... that's just a paranoid rumour...

We all have a ambition, we all have passion, often kept secret from others for fear of ridicule that our dreams will be the subject of a mockery that actually says more about someone else's lack of vision than about our own chances of success. I've found my calling, the vocation in which I can communicate everything I want to share with everyone else, that also allows me to tackle subjects that otherwise prove useful fodder for polarising agendas to divide and conquer the whole of society. I know this sounds naive, but I am reminded that the greatest triumphs of personal endeavour and global inspiration started in a single mind and heart until it transcended the insurmountable obstacles of disbelief and opposition to ultimately permeate the very souls of the many and irrevocably transform the very paradigm of possibility to all of mankind. I am but a mere comedian, but I have been inspired by incredible individuals who stared adversity in the face. Weakened and at a disadvantage, yet they came out enormously victorious and set an example for the rest of us. I've been inspired by the examples of various remarkable individuals, whose biographies I highly encourage that you read -

Poor boy with a big broken nose from a poor family
who sold him into an opera school, he went on to
pioneer comedy martial arts.

Triple cancer, was expected to die, refused to lose and beat the Tour de France seven times in a row by the biggest margin in history.

Learnt to read and write in jail and copied out the entire dictionary by hand to improve his vocabulary.
Took the NOI to the premiership, then left them. He wanted to build bridges with the rest of society,
they assassinated him.

During times of exploitation and genocide, mere individuals fought for civil rights, protection and education. Outnumbered and underpowered, whatever they lacked, they made up for in spirit, a spirit that has embossed upon our society the freedoms we take for granted today and a lesson of how to overcome tyranny with patience, passive resistance and civil disobedience that disrupted the systems that tried to impose something upon us that would never benefit the greater purpose of our lives on this planet. Governments have changed, hearts and minds have been won, and it all started out with a greater belief to forge a better world.

A ninja will show his true strength
when he has to protect the ones he loves.

To finally conclude, all I want to share with you is that you must flourish, you must tap into the incredible source of vision that exists within our innermost desire to attune with the greater purpose to blossom into our true nature as artists of living. We must flourish, each and every one of us must flourish, or we all collectively will perish. The power of change is not exclusive to politicians or the military, because although the powers that be can physically prevent and even eliminate individuals and groups, no force in the universe has power to stop the very ideas, dreams and beliefs of a better way that reside within the flesh and blood vessel of this human vehicle in which our consciousness resides. We must educate ourselves better to embrace this new life in which we become fearless as we step forward with the overriding courage of change. If this is all still too ambiguous, come to check out my new show in Edinburgh because if there is any one thing I want to say in my life, it'll be in that hour show. Roll on August 2011, just don't rain everyday please, K, THX.

You don't have to understand the lyrics, just watch this video and you'll feel the power!

"Multiculturalism has failed"

2011-02-09T01:12:00.001Z

This past weekend, David Cameron spoke at the Munich Security Conference where his comments were reported succinctly as "Multiculturalism has failed" to the supportive reception from the EDL who were staging their biggest protest to date in Luton on the same day with their army of fear-exploited shopping trolley thieves and the brown mascot affectionately known as "EDL Abdul" whose identity behind closed doors of the EDL's non-racist manifesto is known to be "that stupid paki". On the other hand, many found Cameron's statement on multiculturalism somewhat suspect and perhaps illustrates his own lack of understanding of Britain's actual day to day diverse cohesion by normal people and the obvious absence of him having any actual Black friends. You know, we all have Black friends, I bet you have one called Dwayne, whom you've always wanted to tell has a passing resemblance to Lenny Henry but have failed to do so for fear of looking like a racist. Look here's mine -

My friend Dwayne

Lenny Henry

Multiculturalism is a political buzzword these days, often used to illustrate the diverse array of arts, craft, cuisine, traditions and hot girls we'd like to 'tap that ass' of. However, these days the word is often used to describe the breakdown of communities where different factions fail to integrate and get along with each other and then kick off to give more weight to the notion that groups of Muslims are conspiring towards a mass suicide bombing of a western establishment of debauchery where the upstanding mothers and fathers of tomorrow lay the foundations of their future relationships by conceiving their children in toilet cubicles or the backseat of a Polo. The truth is simple and it is this -

In our society, there is a significant number of idiots who react and reason almost exclusively with immature emotions that are prompted by fear. These epic failures of human specimens are dangerous because they will use anger and violence to make their mark and get their way. Whilst the rest of us pussyfoot around with our intelligence, patience and reasoning, naively believing our superior knowledge and understanding can prevent the impact of a punch, molotov cocktail or bomb. Far be it from me to recommend that a calculated selection process be exercised as to who remains in civilised society, but you see, the government needs these nut jobs to maintain control by dividing society with an atmosphere of fear to push various agendas in which the general population is exploited to make the rich even richer. I'm not saying there is a massive global conspiracy to control the world using fear to gain profit for an elite few, but it's true, just ask David Icke, Alex Jones or Jesse Ventura.

More importantly though, multiculturalism is the same word has been bandied around reviews of my solo show "An Audience with Imran Yusuf", it's about me; Imran Yusuf, and I have an audience with whom I share my act, largely about my experiences with identity in this dynamically polarised world of labels of which I have never fit in anywhere as 'normal', being afraid of girls and my paradigms of spirituality and all that kinda stuff. Thanks to the favourable reviews and Edinburgh nomination for this show in which my name plays a massive part, I was offered many new opportunities including a few parts on Charlie Brooker's new TV show "How TV Ruined Your Life", a show which exposes the truths behind the filthy agenda of many TV shows. I was really excited to work with Charlie and be on his show, especially since GamesWipe spoke to me as a gamer in a way untouched since Dominic Diamond's sarcasm made Games Master's celebrity challenges bearable to watch. Except that time Dave Perry got upset over the Super Mario 64 challenge in which he lost to a journo, that was hilarious.

How TV Ruined Your Life - I sat in a room with three other women and I'm the only one who got a word in. Just sayin'

My debut on How TV Ruined Your Life was cool, a fleeting scene in which I say "Yeah, that's a weird bruise", I now look forward to the rest of the series in which more of my comedy acting can be seen. Proud of myself and all the hard work that it took to get this far in this dream to become a comedian, I then saw the credits scroll and lo and behold my name spelt incorrectly!

Who is Imran YUSEF? Never has my last name ever been spelt with an "E", but for some reason it's an easy mistake to make, what with the plethora of resources available to check such an unimportant detail like someone's name. Maybe I'm overreacting, I mean how important is my name really? I mean how hard was it for that last "U" to be converted into an "E" when al the contractual paperwork contained the correct spelling for my name and that the poster for my solo show displays my name in idiot-proof capitals.

When I started out as a comic, my name was often misspelt and/or I was introduced by the compere as one of the following - Imran Khan, Yusuf Imran, Yusuf Islam, and last weekend during a small gig in Wadhurst, as Joe Rowntree. Maybe it doesn't matter, I mean, I'm not Dara O Briain or Omid Djallili. But after working so hard all these years pursuing a dream to make up for my academic failures and having been denied my efforts to become the next Shigeru Miyamoto, to see my name spelt incorrectly is a lovely kick in the face to remind me that I'm still an insignificant nobody who was kicked out of two GCSEs and then left to defend myself from muggers at bus stops everyday after school.

So maybe multiculturalism has failed, maybe I should change my name and eat a bacon sandwich.
<Storms off in a silent indignant rage>

PS - This blog post is light-hearted mockery and not a genuine rage-induced diatribe. However, stay tuned and in no time you'll see this headline -
"Muslim comic Imran Yusef slams TV execs in racism row". That's the headline the newspapers want to write.

Advice for comics

2011-02-04T02:45:00.001Z

Newer comics often ask me for advice and how to get gigs. Also, since I've gigged out across the big pond in Canada before, I often have Canadian comedian friends hopping across in our direction to do gigs in the UK. So here is what you need to know to get you started.

BOOK GIGS IN ADVANCE

It's advisable to book gigs well in advance, preferably six months to one year. Get a piece of paper and a pen, and plan your gig list in advance. Put your business head on for this, you need to be organised.

GIGS TO CONTACT

Here is a list of open mic clubs to email or call. Some gigs only deal with phone calls, so if you're overseas, you'll have to make the most out of an international phone call or Skype.

Laughing Horse Comedy Club

www.laughinghorse.co.uk

This is where I started off, the Laughing Horse run open mic rooms in almost any available space you can put a mic in. There's a number of these clubs in London and some outside of the big city too.

Comedy Cafe (New Act Night)

www.comedycafe.co.uk

The Comedy Cafe is a great club and every Wednesday they have a New Act Night, where the winning act is given a paid 10min spot the following week as a way to move up the roster.

Comedy Store (Gong Show)

www.thecomedystore.co.uk
0207 930 2949

You MUST CALL during the week day to book yourself into the Gong Show, which is held on the last Monday of every month. If you do well, you may be offered an open spot.

Soho Comedy Club
www.sohocomedy.com
Soho Comedy Club's open mic and new material night is Mondays. The Thurs/Fri/Sat shows don't have open mic spots. The Mondays though you don't even really need to book that far in advance for. In general the spots are allocated first come first served on the door on the night but if you're coming a long way or hoping to double up you might want to get in touch the promoter first via their site.

Lion's Den Comedy Club
www.lionsdencomedy.co.uk
Lovely club for new comics to start in.

Downstairs at The King's Head

www.downstairsatthekingshead.co.uk
0192 082 3265
You MUST CALL to book an open spot but ONLY between 9am - 11am (Mon-Fri). Once you book it, do NOT be late for this gig! If you do well, you'll be booked again and when appropriate offered a spot on the weekend gigs. This is a great gig that has a regular and very comedy-savvy audience.

Mirth Control

www.mirth-control.org.uk
Sign up to the diary room and reply to the weekly email that goes around.

Also, here is another blog with a list of many more gigs-
http://davidsharpecomic.wordpress.com/london-open-mic-gigs-list/

COMEDY COMPETITIONS
Enter all the comedy competitions you can BUT treat them as gigs, do NOT focus on winning. There is much more than just getting the biggest laughs on the night that decides who goes through in any competition. Just do your best, you'll get seen and you'll build your profile.

EDINBURGH FESTIVAL
Go and do it, you'll learn loads, it's like an intensive training ground for comics. It takes some investment of time and money to make it worthwhile but a great way to do it in case you don't have a fortune is to go with the Laughing Horse Free Festival, which is what I did for three years in a row -
www.laughinghorsecomedy.co.uk/freefestival/index.htm

GENERAL TIPS

I could go on forever here, but I'll keep it concise, just use your common sense and remember that stand-up comedy is a business like any other and so conduct yourself professionally.

* Keep your emails CONCISE. A link of your act on YouTube preceded by a polite introduction is enough. Bookers are busy people, make it easy for them. If you don't get an answer, do NOT repeatedly email and call. Give it some time, build your profile on the circuit some more.

* Just gig, seriously, just get out there and gig, that is all.

* Be resourceful! Any questions that you have that can be answered by a simple Google search is the best way to find what you need and get on with it.

* Be nice, seriously, just be nice.

* Ultimately, take your time in your ambition to become a stand-up comic, it's not a race, it's a marathon. Take your time, learn from your mistakes, pay your dues, gig as much as humanly possible. Don't concern yourself with anyone else's progress other than your own, this is your journey and it'll take as long as it takes, just make sure you're enjoying it.

I hope this helps, good luck and remember -
BUILD IT, AND THEY WILL COME.

Apple Store London

2011-01-29T15:06:00.003Z

I'm in the Apple Store in London today, after having been interviewed on BBC London Breakfast for Joanne Goode's radio show I wandered into this plush, pretentious and cultish retailer of the most stylish computer brand since the Amiga, which coincidentally was responsible for the special effects in Babylon 5.

The Apple Store is not like any other computer store, for a start they only deal in their own brand, although there are third party peripherals and accessories in case you don't want to put a mortgage down on an official iPod sock. The design of the store is very shopper-friendly, you walk in and are both permitted and encouraged to use the array of expensive Apple devices, touching them with your anxious grubby hands, leaving fingerprints and smudges over the glossy screens of the most sought after electronic device since the Tamagotchi.

The staff at the Apple Store can be a mixed bag, I've seen one member of staff dismiss a potential customer's inquiry with an aloof "I don't know" all without ever making eye contact. However, they're not all like that, some of the staff are clued up and helpful, especially the young boyband-looking kid who sold me my MacBook Air and answered all my questions with honesty, accuracy and patience as I repeated my questions out of the excitement of being inducted into the group of people that can pretend to look like they're writing a novel in any cafe-type area in which others can observe my silent creativity even though I'm probably arsing around on Facebook and/or Twitter.

Your entire digital needs can be met here, don't just get any phone, get an iPhone. Walkman? Get an iPod Nano, iPod Video, or iPod Touch. Intermediate digital device that's not a computer nor an iPod? Get an iPad! Computer? Get a MacBook Air, MacBook Pro, or a Power Mac. And then sync all these devices via iTunes and Mobile Me. The government doesn't need to collect information on it's citizens or issue ID cards, Apple are making your personal data and digital identity into one collective cool image. Even if you're a complete technophobe, the Apple Store has a compelling atmosphere in which you want to own these devices and be part of the new digital lifestyle as we head towards "The Singularity" in an electronic hand basket that is being delivered by the rapid progress of this phenomenal technological revolution that allows us to communicate in an unprecedented fashion and more importantly catch you speeding or driving in a bus lane, because that generates money for the government.

Renowned for never crashing or breaking down, this Mac myth is dealt with by the experts at the "Genius Bar". Sorry, they're not "experts", they're "geniuses" in blue t-shirts who can fix your Mac problem provided you've made an appointment to a service that is oversubscribed by those who manage to brick their Mac device by spilling water on it or trying to install an Adobe Flash application.

Upstairs at the Apple Store, there is a small theatre at the back in which one of the staff give workshops and presentations on what your Mac can do and how to un-intuitively "right click" by dislocating your hand first. It's here that you are welcome to sit down and use the power socket and free WiFi to take part in the show or do as I did and sit here and do other work, most notably arse around on Facebook and/or Twitter. I normally write my comedy material with pen and paper, but since I was devoid of such an instrument and too intimidated to ask the hawte brunette that works here, I instead got to work on my Mac. As I typed away in three different windows, working on three different ideas at the same time (men can multi-task, but only when we're excited... ahem!), a tall man sat next to me and kept looking over. I assumed this was because of my sexy new MacBook Air, then he asked me "Are you that comedian?". I then remembered that I am indeed that comedian and not just some wandering comic who wanted somewhere quiet to arse around on Facebook and/or Twitter ;-p

Such a robust shop in which I can chill out and do some work in, siphoning the electricity and WiFi and even a fairly tidy customer bathroom, all the Apple Store needs is a small cafe in it, and I'd come here to write material and scoff down a chocolate muffin, veg panini and a hot chocolate whilst typing away on my MacBook Air like some smug creative intellectual when really I'm just some idiot kid with no education but has an eerily accurate impression of a velociraptor.

Ms Interpret

2011-01-19T20:11:00.001Z

Social networking has allowed us to communicate like never before, at the touch of a button you can tell the entire world how you feel, what you opinion is or what colour your pants are, and the whole world can see it and reply to you instantly telling you how much they care and how awesome you really are.

However, as technology brings us closer, improves our lives and flashes different coloured lights into our faces, the age-old human failure mechanism of misinterpreting compromises the advantages of such technology and takes us back to square one in an instant. Never underestimate the power of hypersensitive fatalistic idiots, they can make mountains out of molehills in an area where no moles exist.

Twitter is a social networking site that allows real time status updates in 140 character bursts, a great alternative if you don't care for Facebook or can't remember what MySpace was all about. However, with a 140 character limit, Tweeters must be succinct with their words and ensure that the meaning of their tweet is clear and without ambiguity... unless of course you're trying to say something funny, be ironic, aloof etc, you know, like a comedian might. Then you run into the trouble of someone misinterpreting what you say, taking offence, calling your Mum a Nazi and trying to chastise you publicly on Twitter like a tech-savvy absent-father.

Recently some people have received all kinds of hell for their perceived behaviour on Twitter, sometimes the truth gets drowned out in the sensationalised hate mongering that is perpetuated by nutjobs who want to police the internet with their self-righteous indignation and truncheon of justice in the shape of a USB mouse. It's either them or the authorities who are watching you on the CCTV cameras that never catch criminals but will always catch you breathing in the direction of a bus lane during peak hours and billing you with a pricey ticket for the privilege.

To be on the safe side, it is best to water-down what you want to say and leave no space for ambiguity, which ultimately robs us of being spontaneous and witty. It seems that we are increasingly at the mercy of people who will misinterpret what has been said because of their own fears, indignation or just because they need to kick-off. In the few instances my tweets have been misinterpreted, I have chosen not to engage in a tweet-debate, instead relying on the reputation of my many followers who understand my sense of humour to remind myself that I'm not the bad guy that someone else wants me to be just so that they can feel good about themselves. So, to those of you who read this and are following me, thank you, I appreciate your support :-)

Live from Phi Phi Island

2011-01-12T10:29:00.000Z

Imran Yusuf, now with "400% more brown!"

Not so much an article but more of a 'dear diary' as I sit in an open air cafe on Phi Phi Island, sharing my thoughts with any followers wanting to hear them.

I am currently on Phi Phi Island in Thailand, previously having been devastated by the Tsunami many years ago, the island has been rebuilt to continue it's business in attracting pierced, tattooed and heavy drinking foreigners as a popular holiday destination in the sun where you can get off your nut and have drunken sex in cheap hotel rooms where the previous resident's bodily fluids are still visible in the bedsheets. Classy.

Previous to this, I was in Ao Nang and then in Railey, where it was somewhat more respectable, even if some girls will encourage you to take them kayaking to secluded beaches and not reveal that they have boyfriends waiting for them at home. It's day time in Phi Phi right now, so I am able to chill out without the thumping baseline of dance music that makes my skeleton vibrate as I watch another fire show for the umpteenth time, impressed by the dynamism of wielding balls of fire that sometimes come off and straight into the unsuspecting crowds face. The Thai's aren't big on health and safety, nor is there an Trading Standards here, which became clear as I gulped down a 6 month old Gatorade the other day.

This has been my first holiday in a long, long, long time. The last time I went abroad for myself and on my own was on pilgrimage through Israel/Palestine, Jordan and Saudi Arabia in the summer of 2006, and that was not a holiday as in as much a journey of introspection and being ripped off by Arab merchants and having assault rifles stuck into my face by Israeli soldiers on the threshold of every shop or station. Fast-forward to Jan 2011 and I've finally gone on holiday for myself to unwind many years of mental and physical stress that has been built up from pursuing my dream to become a comedian, and it is such a relief. I've met cool people, have done cool things, and enjoyed the power of my UK currency go to work for me in this part of the world. Here in Thailand, the British Pound is strong, and although foreigners are likely to be ripped-off given even a moment of a naivety, I've enjoyed a relaxed lifestyle here that back home would cost me a small fortune.

This experience has encouraged me to feel a lot more grateful for what I have, when I see how hard the locals here, men, women AND children all hustle to make a living, I realise that I live in a relative paradise compared to them, and all of a sudden it seems that I actually have no problems, only an abundance of resource and opportunity on the cold, snow-swept, 20% VAT island I am a citizen of. I know what you're thinking, that I should have ended that last sentence with a preposition. But it's my blog, so too bad, I do as I please.

As a foreigner here, I can't move for all the merchants selling me massages, dinner, drinks and even to stick my feet in a tank of cleaner fish who will eat all my dead skin. Seeing how the locals live and how much harder they have to work for so many of the luxuries that I take for granted has really put life back into perspective amidst all the showing off that I do for a living and the stress the comes in driving around the country doing gigs. It's nice to know that gratitude and humility really can be an antidote to our everyday pressures in the west, but as much good this has done for me, I'm eager to return to my HDTV and Xbox 360 next week :-)

Behold my naive optimism!

2010-12-25T02:42:00.000Z

During the Edinburgh festival this year, I was interviewed by Lovephool TV. We had a chat about my life philosophy in one of the dimly lit bars of Espionage after my show.

My observation and belief is that life is nothing more than a vehicle for inspiration. All of us are a conduit for the best of virtue or worst of vice, dispensing these qualities throughout our lives and into the experiences of others which creates our world. Comedy is a great vehicle to explore these ideas and to communicate them in a lighthearted yet meaningful way, and I hope that my efforts will in some way bear a positive effect.

You can probably tell how knackered I am in this video, I racked up 101 gigs in 25 days and I was fasting. I am surprised I didn't evaporate!

Feeling UP

2010-12-23T03:06:00.000Z

Recently I watched a lot of upsetting news in the forms of the extremist, ignorant and hateful factions of society. It's been quite nasty and depressing to digest. The more I watch the news and interact with the internet, nothing more than the ugly side of mankind has reached out to punch me in the face.

I watched the documentary BNP Wives, a look at the women in the BNP who campaign for the BNP, some really old and past their menopause, with no hope of finding any real joy in their lives, focussing on giving their remaining time on planet Earth perpetuating hate. I saw more and more about the EDL and even received a hate tweet from this lovely chap - EnglishPatriot2

I chose to retweet this, I refuse to let such fascism be ignored. This gentlemen is either going to live a painful life of being an uneducated, inexperienced and delusional bigot, or he might grow up and take advantage of the enormous capacity for intelligence every human brain usually comes equipped with.

Also, what doesn't help are the minority of fundamentalist religious zealots whose words and actions manage to represent the entirety of the Muslim community in Britain, which the fear mongering arms of the media love to evangelise into public enemy number one. With all of this going on, I've felt a little overwhelmed by the abundance of ignorance and hate that is pouring into our society, if often feels like there is no hope for any kind of peace or joy. Let's face it, most of us do NOT want to live in the fascist utopia of any these nutjobs, be it in the fundamentalist and ritualistic dictatorship of the religious nutters or the feral Jeremy Kyle Show candidates of the EDL. However, it seems that the voices for the rest of us are washed away in the tides of hate. Unfortunately, a sad fact of life is that one act of hate has more of an instant impact than the opulence of love. It takes years for life to thrive and grow, but it takes just one single storm to destroy it all.

Overwhelmed by this all, I began to despair for the future as the numbers of the uneducated, ignorant, hateful and greedy outstrip the few who can communicate and co-operate. In reality, neither the religious zealots or the fascist right-wing are actually going to win, neither side will get their way, but the fact that they both exist and that the rest of us have to be caught in the middle, is the reality we have to live with.

Fortunately, never too far away is the abundance of art in which humans have communicated the beauty of our aspirations and potential to experience the joys of what is possible. Tonight, I watched the Disney Pixar film; UP.

Without giving too much away in case you haven't seen it, UP is a fantastic story of having a dream, having ambition and experiencing the journey of life with someone you care about. Although, we may not all have an abundance of material wealth or all the breaks and opportunities that we desire, but if you can share your life with someone you love, then even the simplest of everyday experiences becomes a joy to have. To quote my favourite personal development coach; Anthony Robbins - "The purpose of human relationships is to magnify the human experience".

Fortunately for us, even when we are bombarded by all that is wrong, a rich source for all that is right is recorded in our films, books and stories (and video games, check out Shenmue!) that illustrate the virtues of all that makes life such a precious and joyous experience. It's easy to take these forms of entertainment lightly, but the truth is that this is how human beings record and communicate the very best of our hopes, abilities and aspirations, and they remain the library of our accomplishments as a reminder and influence of the enormous capacity our minds have to create a much better world. So, in conclusion, what I am trying to say is that if you ever feel down about the state of the world and need a pick up, reach into the abundant library of good human virtues and sink your teeth into some of this wonderful soul food.

Hopeful romantic or just an idiot?

2010-12-19T02:53:00.000Z

Today I braved the adverse weather conditions to make it to my gig, the snow in London is pretty impressive and it only compounded the closures/strikes to make travel a hassle for anyone trying to get around the city.

I put on my thermals and as many layers as I could put on before I left, with my headphones in, I sailed through my journey to the Comedy Tree in Putney. When I got to Putney Green station I observed a young attractive lady approaching the stairwell with her suitcase and preparing herself to carry it down. As I approached the steps I saw her lift the suitcase with some difficulty before taking slow, cautious steps downwards towards the exit. I asked her if she would like a hand, to which she hospitably reacted. I took the suitcase and lifted it with a false demonstration of strength as my skinny arms were challenged by the weight of her luggage, it was heavy! Not wanting to look like a weakling, I tensed my biceps and successfully continued with the short journey towards the exit. We walked together, step by step in silence, neither of us making eye contact as we carefully navigated the wet steps on this cold, snowy evening. When we got to the bottom, she gave her thanks, I told her she was welcome, then she left with the only remaining challenge to make it through the barriers with her cumbersome luggage.

Call me a romantic, or just an idiot, but part of my naively hoped that this was a special chance encounter. You know, like in the movies when the woman struggles with something and the chivalrous guy comes to her rescue, then he asks her out, she says 'yes' and then the film kicks off and in the end they fall in love. But it seems, that real life is not like this for the most part, probably thanks to the climate of fear and distrust of strangers.

There are plenty of chivalrous men, but sometimes it can be scary to be chivalrous in case it backfires. I have heard of plenty of stories where men have offered to help with heavy bags, only to be shouted at by ultra-feminist nutjobs who interpret any communication from a man to be nothing more than an insulting and exploitative invitation. I hesitated only momentarily because of this, but because she was young, I took a gamble and my hospitality was appreciated. As we descended down those steps, I could have easily started a conversation with her, but thought against it in the fear that she may interpret my offer of help as nothing more than an opportunity to chat her up, so I stayed quiet. As we parted ways with pleasantries, there was no eye contact, just simple words and we were on our way.

Maybe those romantic movies put silly ideas in our heads that chance encounters in the real world lead to such amazing relationship adventures? Although, I do know that one of my friends, a few years ago, was once depressed, so he went out for a walk in central London, a girl randomly asked him for directions. They're married now.

Anyone have any cool romantic stories? Leave your comments below or tweet me :-)

A little time for reflection

2010-11-27T21:29:00.001Z

It was my birthday yesterday, I did have plans for a big birthday bash although that is totally against my nature, but comedy commitments meant that I needed to be in the studio writing and overlooking my projects. Instead I had a nice meal with the close friends I grew up with, and we ate at an Italian restaurant run almost exclusively by Indians... multi-cultural enterprise or what?

Again, I'm not big on celebrating, I'm more of a walk of into the sunset kind of guy, so I took this opportunity to reflect on how my year had progressed since my last birthday. This time last year, I finished a small tour of gigs that ended in Edinburgh, after which I drove all the way back to London in one shot. I had more or less just gone full-time as a comic and the adventures of driving up and down the country for both my livelihood and experience was in full effect. I was now an entry level "professional comedian" and I also had my very own car that I had purchased with my very own hard earned cash. There were still gigs I couldn't get because some promoters did not want to touch me at all, but I had made progress, I was now gigging with real professionals, sharing the bill with them and having to raise my own game in order to win the acceptance and respect of my newly found peer group of hardcore circuit professionals.

Look at me! I used to get told off for talking too much, nowadays I'm still talking too much!

A year on and I've somehow managed to get onto TV, be nominated for Best Newcomer in Edinburgh, book a massive UK tour, and be offered exciting new opportunities in the comedy world, some of which I shouldn't talk about yet until the right time to reveal it all. I did not expect this to happen like this, I never imagined that so much would happen so quickly. I'm a massive fan and advocate of the personal development scene, a few years ago I started to listen to Anthony Robbins, and it was one of the best investments of my time and money I have ever made. And this is what I want this blog entry to be about; personal development, going for your dreams.

"Unleash The Power Within"

I'll save most of the details for when I get to write a proper autobiography, but for now I want to highlight the importance of having a dream and that with unrelenting passion and hard work, that anything is possible. My first dream was to become a video games designer, and it didn't entirely work out as per my imagination had envisioned only because I did not have a strategy. I spent many years in the games industry, struggling to make it, although having a good time working on video games and making awesome friends. Suddenly, I found myself depressed (for many reasons) and broke, I was in trouble and there was no sign of anything changing unless I took complete control and changed it myself. I started listening to personal development material and ensuring all areas of my life has positive influences being pumped into them, from the music I was listening to, the food I ate, the books I read, and the people I associated with. These were the first step ingredients to giving me a good foundation to build my dreams upon. Whilst I totally went in head deep into this, often alienating myself from others who thought that this schmaltzy positive thinking malarky was a waste of time, it was sometimes difficult to believe in the worth of the most important part of it all, which was taking action.

I had a dream, a clear and vivid image of what I wanted from life, and so I wrote this down and started devising a strategy on how to achieve it all. Then I got out into the world and took loads of action, sometimes small steps, sometimes big jumps, and often enough I hit a wall and fell to the ground. But I got back up and re-strategised and took new action, yet again failing some more, before even a glimmer of a result would appear. And so in this, I found out a secret to life; failure is the most amazing teacher. As I continued to study the success of others in other areas of life, I realised that there was a consistent theme in their story, that they also had failed multiple times, even to the brink of total bankruptcy and even death, yet they refused to give up and then persevered into enormous victory.

It's easy to just do as we are told by others, to just go to school, get a job, earn some money, buy some stuff and generally just follow the path that is laid out for us by "the system" and by the expectations of others. However, if we take the time to step out of our own heads and observe our lives on this planet without the manufactured paradigms that are pumped into us by "the system", perhaps then we can see other meanings to our existence and the infinite opportunities that are readily available to us. My life has changed immensely these last few years, and right now all my dreams are coming true thick and fast, it's now payday. And this is why I want to share this with as many people as possible, because if I can do it, then anyone else can.

Compared to Americans, we have an apathetic and cynical attitude that is reflected in our TV shows here. Note that we don't have a Jack Bauer. Having ambition is almost scorned upon, and thus a lot of people find that their secret desires must be kept under wraps and even extinguished if they are to avoid the mockery, cynicism, and negativity from others around them. But it is exactly this, our ambition, our dreams, our passion that must be unleashed if we are to experience the true joys that life has to offer. None of it comes easy. and often enough, the negativity and even stupidity of people jeopardises the exciting possibilities that mankind has access to.

To put it into a nutshell; go for your dreams. Yes, in the pursuit of your dreams, you will fail, it will hurt, you will want to give up, but you must persevere and continue, because you totally can achieve anything you want. If you fear the failure, the humiliation, the pain, just do it anyway, because the pain of failure is never going to be as bad as the pain of wondering what could have been just because you never tried.

My worst gig ever :-)

2010-11-20T03:07:00.002Z

I've just got back from my worst gig ever, it was going well for about 15 mins, then suddenly one table took massive offence to some material and the gig descended into chaos as I tried to finish the show between a small contingent who wanted to cause me physical harm and the others who enjoyed my set for the most part.

I started off well with some new material that I am doing in the clubs as I like to make sure that the audience see me doing stuff that they've not seen on TV or the internet. If you know my material, you'll know that I talk about race, culture, religion and the general topic of these manufactured identities in my set. Suddenly, when I got to material about relationships and my personal penchant for white/English women, endearingly referring to this as "I like vanilla", one table took massive offence. As I continued, one woman started to 'boo', and suddenly all the energy was being diverted into a verbal combat between me and her table, as the audience slowly became divided between those who liked me and wanted to hear more and those who wanted me to die and let me know that they hated me with all their might.

I am angry and I hate you.

I kept my composure and continued to smile, trying to placate the upset caused by the subject matter and even trying to build bridges with the offended table, but there was nothing left to repair or salvage, so I stood my ground and gratefully played to the audience that were actually left over paying attention. Still, this was a painful endeavour as the sea of muttering and audience shouting at each other had overwhelmed the room, and so I did my time, made my statement of peace and walked off into the open arms of friend and MC; Paul Pirie.

As I walked out the room, a lady who was waiting outside with her relatives 'booed' me and told me to write 'better material'. As I am above being offended by such petty remarks, I laughed and wished her family a safe journey home. At this point a tattooed man charged over to me and called me a "Racist F*ck*ng W*nk*r". I smiled at him, repeating his words in confusion, after which he explained the premise of his offence and why he claims that I am a racist -

"Racist" material -

* Mentioning Princess Diana
Apparently, talking about said person is a racist offence. Though, what he failed to notice was that I NEVER actually mention said person, I ONLY allude simply to the death of Dodi Al-Fayed.

* Referring to my liking of white/English women as "I like vanilla".
It seems that highlighting my relationship preferences with a playful endearment involving a flavour of ice-cream is offensive. You've got to give him points for making a mountain out of this non-existent molehill.

What became clear to me here is that our perception of what is right and wrong is quite subjective based on our own ethics, and that despite the logic or intelligence that can prove us categorically wrong, our emotional reaction and personal perception of subjects can overwhelm our intellect.

As the tattooed man stood his ground and explained why I am a massive racist into my smiling diplomatic face, other audience members interjected with "Well done, I really enjoyed that" and my favourite "Well done, you're too intelligent for Bexleyheath". As the majority of the audience passed by with similar praise, the tattooed man realised his views were actually NOT shared by everyone else other than his own table, and so he slowly receded from his aggressive stance. I then shook his hand and made my exit from the furore that will forever be embellished upon the legend of Bexleyheath as "The day that guy off McIntyre came to Bexleyheath and was sh*t". Although, some people enjoyed it, so I'm happy that the larger British public can understand and enjoy playful material about identity and the dynamics of that old chestnut; irony. Once I got home I was joyed to find this Tweet from docj0nes who was at the gig - "@imranyusuf Was @ ur bexleyheath gig 2nite. Enjoyed ur show while I could. Ruined by the minority, THEY ARE JOKES PPL! Ur quality keep it up".

Okay, now that I've got all that off my chest and await the death threats and hate campaign from those so limited by their own perspective, I want to sign off by saying the following -

I love you, and I'm going to save the world.

Dear everybody, your body is simply a vehicle for your consciousness to experience this life. The labels we use to identify ourselves (colour, culture, race, religion etc) are entirely manufactured by people and subsequently emotionally attached to our sense of identity. Because of this, human beings are easily manipulated and even encouraged to hate and kill one another. You are NOT your identity, you are simply nothing more than how you choose to behave. In any civilisation, culture or country, no one has ever taken a liking to anyone who behaves like a c*nt, so steer clear of that one, and you'll find that everyone will actually like you and that we can all actually get along. Some might think that this is naively optimistic, but it will be us who embrace the opportunity of change with the knowledge that there is a wealth of possibility for us all to embrace a greater wisdom and achieve a better quality of life, who will make the world a better place. That, and I like vanilla.... ;-p

Stop complaining please.

2010-11-17T23:08:00.000Z

In the current climate where politicians are ruining the country and everyone is crying over the lack of jobs, money, resources and the inherent problems that immigrants are bringing into the mix, we're engulfed with the tone of righteous indignation prevalent in the attitudes of radio hosts who ask people to call in and then give them seconds to share their story before cussing them off the airwaves.

Everyone is complaining and it is doing my head in, please STFU for one second and digest this story in that spoilt stomach.

Meet William Kamkwamba (right), he is from Malawi, coming from a poor village where he does not have giant plasma screen TV nor wastes his time on Facebook or Twitter trying to be witty, he spent his time studying.

However, when his parents were unable to afford his school fees, he left school at 14. Dejected to a future of starving or being an extra when news crews film poor people in the continent of Africa. Instead of marching on the politician's headquarters and smashing up the place and calling it a protest, William used his brain and started hanging out in libraries, a place where books are stored for people to read. It is in one of these libraries that William found a book called "Using Energy", which featured a windmill. William discovered that windmills harnessed the power of the wind to create energy and thus transform it into electricity.

When he wasn't reading books, William spent his time foraging in junkyards for any pieces of scrap that would serve as an ingredient in the windmill he wanted to build. Laughed at by his friends, William persevered and managed to convert random bits of junk that was lying in the dirt into the pieces he needed. William even found some plastic piping that he cut open and melted over an open fire so that he could flatten it out and shape the blades for his windmill. To cut a long story short, William managed to create a windmill out of scrap and brought electricity to his village. He then built more to irrigate gardens to grow produce. Watch his incredible story below.

This is a story of a teenager in poverty who spent his time being resourceful rather than complaining.

I'm voting for me!

2010-11-03T23:46:00.001Z

"I'm voting for Tony Robbins"

I've watched some of the US election coverage on the BBC, because for some reason, US politics is much more interesting and sexier than British politics. However, the more I learn about politics, the more I am deterred from learning any more. Given the chance, I'd vote for Mark Thomas or David Icke, but definitely not Dizzee Rascal.

The nature of voting and political control is not as straight forward as it is on the X Factor, where you pretty much get what you see. With government politics, you can't actually just vote the guy you want to run the country into power, because of some weird rules akin to having to circumnavigate the Monopoly board once before being allowed to buy anything. Ultimately, only one guy will get to live in Downing Street and the other members of government call up from time to time and ask to use the toilet with the bidet.

Politicians appeal to certain groups in society over issues like jobs, immigrations, crime, public spending, gays getting married, gays adopting, gays doing pretty much anything, and conspiring to rob the middle east of oil. There are different groups, somewhat branded in different colours so that it is easy for the public to choose their favourite based on a colour scheme and logo. These politicians are essentially "promisers of change", which then they often turn on once they realise how difficult it is to execute a policy that doesn't require a Facebook group to get it going.

Some politicians appeal to the fearful and stupid, blaming all of society's problems on certain groups signified by ethnicity, religion, sexual preference or something else they fail to understand based on the fact that they are the bipedal equivalent of donkeys. Other politicians range from this extreme all the way to the other end, one way or the other there should be a group that appeals to you and the issues you feel need to be addressed, because your vote counts. It really does, so please make sure you vote because the government close schools for the day and marginalise children's education so that you can vote with state of the art photocopied pieces of paper and stubby pencils.

"We're manipulating yo monkey ass!"

Currently, the President of the USA is a man called Barack Obama, he is of mixed ethnicity and has an Arabic or "Muslim name", both of these characteristics were considered as fatal flaws in his bid to become the President. However, he managed to win as the only other choice was to go with a man on his death bed and an ignorant MILF whose international relations experience consisted of experiencing a déjà vu and considering it to be the equivalent of being in France. Because human beings are largely controlled by fear and greed, and also currently limited by the need to feel significant through a sense of identity based on skin colour, religion, ideology or culture, human beings are often manipulated by these factors into voting based on those premises rather than by the actual issues that need to be addressed. Due to this, the planet Earth is going to be stuck in a dark age for a long time, where enlightenment, peace and free ice-cream will fail to surface until we're attacked by an outside force like aliens.

As human beings incarnate in the same type of body vehicle on planet Earth, it might not be a stretch to imagine that our collective concerns, needs and desires are somewhat similar enough for all of us to find enough common ground that we could join forces and manage the planet in a beneficial way and contribute towards creating an amazing quality of life for everyone. However, such thinking is regarded as wishful in this polarised world of hatred, fear and cynicism. But maybe one day in the future, the seed of hope might just flourish and people will stand only on the right hand side of an escalator.

You are the WINNAR!!!111one

2010-09-29T19:39:00.001+01:00

Sound familiar? If this is you, then you have no life and you know it.

What I love about the Internet, is that it gives everybody the complete freedom to express themselves however they see fit within the confines of the written word to absolutely everyone on the planet.

Ideas and conflicts can be expressed with complete disregard for any social etiquette like politeness, tact and diplomacy, because, hey, who wants to monitor their own thoughts and behaviour when you can act like an animal for free from behind the blanket of anonymity and the safety of a bedroom?

Basically, the Internet has provided everyone with the potential to illustrate just how much of a bellend they are. Fundamentalist zealots, hate groups and narcissistic misanthropes alike can communicate with us and inflict their emotional retardation with us all at a click of a button.

Don't like something on YouTube? Leave a comment expressing your critique, involve yourself with the other comments and start fights with those whose opinions dare to contradict your own sophisticated knowledge of what is good and bad. It's important that you do this, because the world must know of your opinion and dislike. It is reported that the Chilean miners await your opinion to their plight, starving children in famine-stricken countries want to know what you have to say, the entire globe is interested in the vitriol boiling away in the vacant space your soul would sit in if you were not seeded by Satan and manufactured in the womb of despondent nightmares.

Want to start a campaign against something because you are an insane bigot with no regard for human life other than consuming the E numbered waste food and poison and watching exploitative daytime chat shows that feature the epitome of human failure? Start your own blog/website/Facebook group and bring like-minded losers like yourself together for the mutual exchange of hate and illiteracy, where you can blame everything on someone else and feel good about yourself for joining the symposium of sycophantic psychos who will most probably be statutorily culled when overpopulation reaches a critical mass and only the intelligent and polite are permitted to survive for the good of human civilisation.

Disclaimer: No correspondence will be entered into, so don't expect a reply to your illiterate rebuttal.

As for the rest of us, the Internet is a bridge of communication for us to embrace the beauty of our diversity, to share in it's wealth and contribute to a greater understanding of our relationships as people and forge a new dimension for peace and understanding. Oh, and to share pictures like these because they are so cute -

IT department's monitoring measures exposed.

2010-09-29T00:33:00.000+01:00

Here is a photo of me when I used to work for a major video games publisher. All staff were under constant surveillance, we often felt that all of our activity was being monitored at all times. Some people thought I was paranoid, and of course the HR department denied all rumours of snooping on employees, but then I found this Tracker on my PC.

Thank you Britain

2010-09-28T02:32:00.000+01:00

After my mental Edinburgh and Roadshow appearance, I am humbled by the enormously positive feedback and love I have received from the wider British public. I have dreamt of making comedy that could build bridges, comedy that everyone in our increasingly polarised country can embrace, and although not everyone will be pleased, the new legion of fans from every community has warmed my heart and replenished my hopes to really do something different with the magic that is comedy.

We all laugh in the same language, comedy is the vehicle with which we can explore our commonalities and expose the divisive fear, greed, and affiliation tactics that are employed to polarise us for sinister gains. I know this sounds like hippy-talk of a modern day Gandhi, but it's my vision and my way my of life, so whatever good it reaps is not my own to keep, but simply a contribution towards the hope that comedy can be the opportunity for something positive.

All of this is a far cry from the school failure I was. Always told off for talking too much or not paying attention, I never did my homework because I was too busy playing Street Fighter II on my Super Nintendo.

If you're not familiar with the Super Nintendo, well, you missed out on the golden era of video games. Before games were ridiculous in their scope and detail, games were simply fun and had actual game play, where skill and intuition were what drove gamers to shell out up to £60 or even more for royalty-inducing cartridges that contained a video game that would now fit on a cheap USB stick several times over.

Before the games industry had any links to the education institutes, I had already decided that I wanted to become a games designer. Careers advisers just looked at me blankly when I told them this and would recommend that I get into "Graphic Design", as this is what their manual told them to do with difficult creative visionaries like me. Armed with bum fluff and an NRA (National Record of Achievement) folder I entered the real world of being 16 and over expecting the swimming certificates I had to make an impression in the interviews I would be in as I tried to find my place in the adult world. That NRA folder was an utter waste of time, we spent ages on it in class, took it to an interview, only for the employer to lean on it with their elbow whilst asking you questions in regards to your aspirations in the stock movement capacity of a department store for minimum wage. Once regaling them with my dreams of something other than cheap manual labour, it was often easy to get a job to fund my higher education as long as I could speak English and put things into boxes.

I still have my NRA folder today, I will keep it was a reminder and lesson for my unborn children that despite how polished your certificates and personal statements are, if you're a unmotivated cack-handed bellend with no grasp of language, then you're really digging your own grave.

Winston Churchill, dyslexic yet Prime Minister of Britain. Richard Branson, dyslexic yet billionaire industrialist. Yoda, dyslexic yet Jedi Master.

"Oh, so you smarty art now? Well, lemme aks you this, lemme aks you this... can you kick... my ass?"

*Yes, this is parody of an existing Chris Rock joke.

Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

2010-09-25T17:56:00.004+01:00

Okay, here we go, after years of gigging like a maniac, driving to gigs the length and breadth of the country whilst listening to comedy CDs and Magic FM (I'm soft at heart), my prime time TV debut happens tonight on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow on BBC1 @ 9.25pm. This is a clip of a true story of my experiences in being the only "English" kid in an American school that I attended when I was 12 years old.

I'm getting an influx of positivity coming from friends and fans alike, although my friends see it fit to take photos of their Sky Plus and send it to me, which is quite bizarre.

Ya get me?

2010-09-24T01:20:00.001+01:00

I've wanted to be a stand-up comedian since I was a teenager, I've known that I've always wanted to perform since I can remember, I am now doing that, and these people pay me monies to do it on a stage (and at least once, in the gangway of an Indian restaurant).

The upshot of being a comic is that I am sometimes offered a casting for a TV or radio project, which sounds exciting as it is one of the areas a comic can diversify into. Obviously, I have often been offered many dodgy typecast roles based on my appearance and reputation, which I repeatedly turn down because I chose not to be a porn actor for a reason. However, often enough when a contemporary and youthful take is required for a role of the British brown variety, this much is communicated to me by the deft diplomacy of a casting team who joyously respond to any urban embellishments I can add to a reading, ya get me? If the last paragraph has left you bewildered, then it's quite obvious that you will be unable to comprehend the scope of my mockery and thus the inherent insult of this insinuation.

I failed all of my GCSEs, and after I got my results I went and sat in a tree with my friends because that's where I was expecting to live when my family found out. During this time I realised that talking like an "eediat" was the guaranteed path to nowhere or a career as a mobile phones salesperson. It happens that it was in fact hip hop that encouraged me to improve and extend my vocabulary. Listening to the likes of Eric B & Rakim encouraged me to start recreational reading of the dictionary. Suddenly, the creative freedom a better vocabulary afforded me a greater sense of communicational prowess, although I was totally alienated from my peers on the GNVQ Art & Design course I had managed to get onto in college. Whilst some of them were painting their shoes, I had filled out a job application form and got my very first job as a Stock Movement Advisor at Debenhams on a paltry pre-minimum wage of £3.26 per hour. I started that job on the same day as one of my best friends from high school, his name was Dwayne and he often broke the China in the stockroom and rampantly farted in the staff lifts.

Welcome to my official comedy blog!

2010-09-23T02:35:00.000+01:00

I'm always this excited,
I never switch off!

Hello you lovely mofos!

Welcome to my official comedy blog, a place where I can exercise my creative writing and get a bit shouty about things that I feel are important, funny and even 'proper mental', and all without the restrictions of the limited haiku-esque character restrictions of Twitter. Expect to see all kinds of insane nonsense, random photos of kittens in awe-inducing cuteness, some nerdy geek stuff to express my Japanophile-ness, topical stories to do with the crazy people who are in charge of running the planet, and perhaps some pics of some sexy chicks, because I like sexy chicks... and Nutella.

I've already stayed up way too late in order to start this blog, and instead of going to get something to feed my malnutritioned ass, I am up on the internet when I could be playing HALO Reach with my friends or even cooking myself some food. Having recently learnt to cook whilst in Edinburgh, thanks to my friend Rachel Anderson and her consummate culinary craftsmanship, I can whip up a mean vegetable pasta. Once I know how to make my own Nando's, I'll be set for life.

Right, it's super late, time for some food and then sleeps, tomorrow is another day full of meetings, writing and then performing, before slaying some Metroids or Covenant bad guys.

Nighty night, don't let the bed bugs crawl into your mouth and eat your innards whilst you sleep.

x